Government left with no choice but to do something demented.
by Steve Cook
The terrifying media-borne virus known as CON19, which has struck down millions of people the world over with terrifyingly undetectable symptoms frighteningly similar to being not at all ill, has now spread to soft drinks!
and helpful transfusions of instructions from global oligarchs and other benevolent psychopaths.
The shocking news left the world reeling in . . . er, shock after an Austrian politician revealed how a can of coke tested positive for CON19 using the famous PCR test which is now known to be accurate to almost one percent or less! (see this video
When told about this latest setback in the so-called War Against a Bit of a Cough that has seen millions of people annoyed for their own good by their government, the Health Secretary, Matt Crocodile, broke down and wept openly with incredible sincerity on TV! (see video here)
In so doing, he helpfully brought about a nausea epidemic that took everyone's mind off of the destruction of their country by an average illness.
Crocodile, who suffers from a congenital disability that makes his weeping look like an effort not to laugh, then announced tough measures to halt the spread of the killer epidemic to Pepsi Cola and even highly vulnerable beverages such as orange juice.
He explained that the new outbreak has left the government with no choice but to urgently install a dictatorship and tell everyone to go to their room and not come out until teatime or the introduction of a population-culling vaccine, whichever is the later.
Crocodile explained how the vaccine, which can be injected into any soft drink even without the victim's knowledge, will help save the NHS, eventually.
He further explained it will accomplish this difficult but popular task by reducing the population of the UK to roughly that of Leamington Spa and thus slashing the numbers of sick and old people who are, let's face it, a completely useless burden on the state.
These measures will be accompanied by compulsory voluntary guidelines contained in a new White Paper entitled, "Defying Common Sense" requesting owners of cans of Coca Cola to voluntarily self isolate in accordance with their democratic right to avoid punishment. There will also be stiff fines of £20,000 for anyone caught within two metres of a soft drink.
Pubs will be ordered to only sell alcohol even when actually open (Tuesday afternoon).
The tough new measures, designed to nip this latest horror in the bud before anyone has time to think, will be introduced at the strategically opportune moment (such as just when people start getting cocky).
Secret scientists (Sid Bonkers and Professor Patrick O'Charlatan) at secret meetings classified Top Secret by the Official Secrets Act have now established a strong link between Coca Cola and Covid-related deaths.
A Covid-related death is scientifically defined as any death where the word "COVID" was mentioned within fifty yards of the deceased before or after their death or, failing that, where the deceased has a cough at any time during their life.
Of a thousand recent deaths studied it was found that 812 had been in contact with a PCR test - the world's foremost source of fake infection -within six months prior to their demise.
Of those 812 Covid cases, 803 were known, according to the Covid-related testimony of surviving relatives, to have drunk Coca Cola at some time or another.
Ministers are considering a complete ban on everything but gin or real Coke, which are both known to be immune.