SHOCK NEWS IN BRIEF

by Steve Cook

Scientists have discovered the primary cause of heart attacks in the 5-95 age group.

Shock revelations from the Klaus Loon Centre for Global Dementia have now exposed the shocking hitherto unknown shocking fact that is bound to . . . er shock millions of people into an extreme bout of a mental illness known to experts as Blind Stupidity (BS).

New improved PCR Test to be introduced next week

by Steve Cook

Britain's Deputy Vaccine Dictator of the Department of Eugenicide, Hannibal Van Dim, announced this morning that a new improved PCR test will be introduced across the country by the end of the week.

The current test, which relies on a nasal swab using a QTip coated with graphene oxide, is to be scrapped as "too cheap" and being prone to giving too few false positives to justify pinning on it any longer all the government's hopes of bringing the nation a truly convincing pandemic.

PCR Test horror shock

by Steve Cook                                                                                   Scientists have today announced they have made a shock discovery even more shocking than the discovery that dinosaurs may have worn hats or the possibility the British government is not at all demented.They have . . . er, discovered the PCR test is infecting people with colds and flu - or as they are now known, "Covid" - and on rare occasions killing them.

The Nation rejoices as Government announces new strategy for getting chemicals into children

by Steve Cook

Exciting breaking news from the Eugenics Industry is that The UK's Chief Mortality Officer, the

moribund Chris Witty, has scientifically discovered a new . . . er, scientific way to get more chemicals into your children!

It has been proven in top secret studies by scientists whose identities must remain secret for security reasons that children do not have enough chemicals in them.

Breaking News! Every citizen soon to have a variant named after them?

Government reveals "titanic raft of measures" designed to win the War on Democracy

by Steve Cook

In what has been described as a massive u-turn in its War on Democracy the government has announced proposals to give every citizen the opportunity to have a Covid 19 Variant named after them.

Speaking from a sterile bunker under the Cabinet Office, the Minister for Hysteria, Jane Fibbs explained that,


"It is now well established that viruses mutate slightly about once every five minutes, producing nearly identical variants in such profusion it is hard to keep thinking up names for them. This is just the sort of sneaky trick we expect of viruses . . . "

Rapid-profit, Test-and-Jab system launched

People to test themselves hourly for 115 infectious diseases: public overjoyed as has nothing better to do

by Steve Cook

Speaking for the government pursuant to stipulations of the Freedom of Disinformation Act 2020, Janet Gaff-Smother of the Ministry of Hysteria announced yesterday that the government is planning to get every person and household pet (except goldfish) in the UK to test themselves for Covid19 every hour for the next 83 years or until they die of Covid, whichever comes sooner.