Digital Carnage under Threat Say Experts

A government spokesperson has predicted that World War Three will be fought and won from a laptop in a bedsit in Melton Mowbray.

by Steve Cook

This somewhat belatedly follows an earlier report in www.telegrapaph.co.uk/news as far back as 9/1/13 in which the Commons Defence Committee warned a shocked and armchair-bound nation that, “The armed forces are now so dependent on information technology that their ability to operate could be ‘fatally compromised’ by a sustained cyber attack.”

Government to Borrow Money to Get Out of Debt

But money could possibly grow on trees after all

Pictured:the highest mountain in Britain is made entirely of IOUs

by Steve Cook

With the General Election only days away and the nation reeling from the bleak prospect of five more years of government, we are witnessing a phenomenon rare, if not unheard of, in British politics.

Politicians across the political spectrum have demonstrated an unprecedented consensus on the hitherto contentious subject of the economy with today's announcement that they are all “completely stumped” and at a loss to explain how the nation ended up with twice as much debt as there is actual money in existence.

General Election 2019. The Puppet Show Continues

"General Election 2019" marks the bicentennial of the world's longest-running puppet show, "Democracy".

Entertainment News by Steve Cook

Featuring state-of-the-art puppets so life-like they are occasionally mistaken for real people, the current episode comprises an anarchic mix of the slapstick and the surreal.

Man not friends with Jeffrey Epstein exposed

Snubbed dignitary the subject of new Panorama documentary

by Steve Cook

Ever since Jeffrey Epstein killed himself by orchestrating his own murder it has emerged that the famed businessman - who operated a charity that donated little boys and girls to needy oligarchs, politicians and other degenerates - was personal friends with everybody in the planet's senior management echelons.

Boris Johnson in dramatic new pledge shock

Tory leader breaks new ground at Dunslistnin

by Steve Cook

Boris Johnson today made a dramatic new pledge as to his very first action if he becomes the UK's new Prime Minister in December.

Speaking to a hushed and incredulous audience at a meeting of the Conservative action group "What's left of the NHS is safe with us, honest" in Dunlistnin, he announced:

Last night's televised political debate re-match - text in full

Plus revealing fact check

by Steve Cook
The general election Day of Doom, after which the nation faces the prospect of another five years of government, looms. As it bears down upon the nation like the Titanic emerging from a thick fog as it steams manically towards another, thicker fog with an iceberg in it, political debate has intensified.

From Brexit to Brussov: UK to leave EU and join Russian Federation?

Brits seek option that includes not being run by tossers

by Steve Cook

Opinion polls released today asked a broad cross section of the population what the country should do after Brexit.

The shock results show that the majority of Brits are in favour of applying to join the Russian Federation.

Tree-planting "War of Promises" rages as election Day of Doom looms

Politicians harness the power of the environment

by Steve Cook

The Daily Scare can report that a tree-planting "war of promises" is now raging among the UK's political parties as they compete in a failed attempt to convince voters that they are not as stupid as they look.

Public concerns about the environment have prompted Parliament to pass a "Brown Trouser Alert" and that in turn has catalysed an effort by the major parties to look environmental - as opposed to merely mental - in what appears to be a sincere effort to broaden the spectrum of promises they won't keep.

Power elite finds answer to universal mistrust - everything now lovely

New enhanced terminology leads to enhanced politics

by Steve Cook

It has become obvious that governments have a serious problem in that hardly anybody believes a word they say. This tends to create insurmountable difficulties because it is a well-established fact known to experts such as those in government that telling the truth makes effective governance impossible.

This has now been cleverly overcome by a new development: redefining words so nobody can be sure what they are talking about.

Inventor of the plastic toilet seat blamed for epidemic of buttock disorders

The most evil device ever invented? 

Pharmaceutical giant to launch vaccine

by Steve Cook

Police are today seeking to interview a man from Nether Wallop in Hampshire on suspicion of being the man who devised the most evil device ever invented, the plastic toilet seat.

Originally developed as an "enhanced interrogation" tool by the benefactors of Guantanamo and other compulsory resorts run by those nice people of the CIA (Completely Inoffensive Americans), the Plastic Toilet Seat (PTS) has been linked by scientists to an epidemic of disorders of the buttocks that overload the NHS to breaking point every winter.

9/11: New Evidence Exonerates US Government

FIB Investigation results in shock report

by Steve Cook

An investigation by FIB, the US government’s completely unbiased and trustworthy “Federal Investigation Branch (motto: “The truth and everything but the truth”) has uncovered shock new evidence that conclusively proves the real reasons for the collapse of the Twin Towers and the third World Trade Centre building on 9/11.

Released today, the FIB report (entitled, “What Really Happened on 9/11 and subtitled, “We are not even lying this time”) lays to rest all sensible theories about 9/11 – plus the government’s own conspiracy theory that hinged somewhat tenuously upon the notion that on 9/11 all the laws of physics were temporarily suspended.

Giant hedgehog facing extinction,scientists fear

The world was treated yesterday to a rare sighting of the famous Giant Hedgehog, which wandered out of Ashdown Forest in search of food and made a brief appearance near Hartfield in East Sussex before vanishing back into the Forest again.

The creature, which can reach a height of ten feet at the shoulder and a weight of 30 tons when fully grown is, sadly, feared to be facing extinction, with less than a hundred surviving in the wild. It was named recently by Extinction Rebellion as one of the three hundred million species murdered by the human penchant for having the central heating running full blast, not being vegan enough and driving to environmental protests in gas-guzzling automobiles.

US scientists develop world's first GMP (Genetically Modified Politician)

Geneticists in the USA have engineered a new strain of politician amid fears its introduction into the political food chain may contaminate the entire balance of power and precipitate some sort of crisis that, whilst vague, is nevertheless spreading terror throughout news rooms across the planet.

by Steve Cook

English Rugby - New Horror!

Shock News from the World of Rugby Union

by Steve Cook

News just in is that the England Rugby team have announced that they will be introducing their own version of the famous “Haka” (pictured right) performed by the New Zealand Rugby players before matches. 

The move is widely predicted to spread “fear and dismay” throughout the word of Rugby, especially in England.

Gorilla identifies as human, wins World Heavyweight Crown

Controversial first-round  knockout for the Salisbury Simian as the world of boxing successfully avoids offending anyone.

by Steve Cook

In an earlier issue we reported the success of researchers at Neasden University who taught Dennis the gorilla an extensive vocabulary of hand signs by which he was, remarkably, able to master an ever-increasing vocabulary of words.

Trump linked to sinister Russian maniac

Best grounds yet to impeach as claims proven beyond all reasonable sense

by Steve Cook

The impeachment proceedings against US President Trump took a new and sinister turn yesterday with the discovery that he probably has links to a Russian psychopath.

Why Trump got elected - the truth!

Unhinged globalist Democrat reveals all

by Steve Cook

Killary Hinton today announced she has discovered that Donald Trump won the 2016 US election because 62,979,636 voters colluded with Russia.

"The evidence," she said,"is plain for all to see.They could have voted for me but they didn't, despite me being brilliant, which proves the extent of Russia's sinister influence."

New speed limits for pedestrians in force by 2021

Government to introduce pedestrian speed limits as safety concerns grow

by Steve Cook

The government today announced that as from 2021, new speed limits for pedestrians will come into force. The move is a response to growing fears about the safety of pedestrians on the nation's pavements and is an effort to reduce the casualties that could possibly happen to people all over the country as a result of potentially fatal collisions caused by people walking too fast, not looking where they are going and losing control of their bodies on tight bends and so forth.

Airport Cupcake Scare

Security Agencies Crack Down on Home Baking

by Steve Cook

In the wake of a recent security scare in which a “woman” was caught red handed trying to bring two cupcakes aboard a plane at Las Vegasairport, security services the world over are now on the alert for attempts by “people” to smuggle bread crumbs, scones, vanilla essence, waffles and other bomb-making equipment aboard aircraft.

In further moves to crack down on what is emerging as a plot involving millions of terrorists to bring civilisation to its knees, thousands of websites publishing recipes for cakes and potentially deadly flans are being shut down.

5,000 Gang Members to enter Rehab to cure Addiction

All 5000 members of a crime syndicate known as “The Elite” are to be admitted to rehab in an effort to handle their dependency on a drug known on the streets as “Satan”.

by Steve Cook

The gang, masterminded by a small tight-knit cadre of geriatric mental patients is thought to be the most successful and wealthy criminal operation in the history of the universe. With headquarters in Washington and chapters in most countries, its nefarious tendrils extend across the world and several neighbouring planets. It is also known by the names “Gang of Loons” or “The Inebriati”.

Miracle Drug Solves Everything

The need to worry (or panic) is over.

A completely wise & trustworthy geneticist

by Steve Cook

Genetic scientists announced today that they have solved all the world’s problems.

The shock news was released this morning by Secretary of State for Mutant Affairs and Extinction Management, Jane Fibbs, as she triumphantly addressed the world via subliminal messages democratically imbedded into popular TV programmes such as Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and Spot the Celebrity Brain.

Washington helps everybody know what's going on

Clarifies key political terms despite IQ drop

by Steve Cook

The apparent loss of several IQ points by governments across the Western World may, according to the latest scientific discoveries, be due to a simple lack of clarity in the meaning of some of the terms being used by government representatives (The Media).

This has resulted in a small minority of troublemakers known as "citizens" not knowing what is going on.

Vladimir Putin to flood the West with Marmite substitute

Sinister Putin guilty of not being dead, say not-at-all-sinister Western oligarchs

by Steve Cook

Tesco's recent refusal to stock Marmite has ignited a firestorm of fury that threatens to tear civilisation apart.

It started when Swiss company Unilever owned up to being Marmite's manufacturer and then made matters worse by trying to hike the price of the controversial substance, citing the falling pound making imports more expensive. This was despite the fact that Marmite is produced in Britain and only the Brits can be persuaded to eat it.

Daily Scare Exclusive: Author announces he no longer identifies as a man, Shock

Author and regular contributor to The Daily Scare, Steve Cook (pictured here with his

Steve Cook with Gertrude

companion Gertrude) recently described as "extremely sinister" by Donald Trump, today announced that he no longer identifies as a man. Here is his statement in full.

Dear Friends,

I just want to let you all know that after much soul-searching and contacting who I really am, I have decided that I no longer identify as a man.

It is my dearest wish that henceforth you all avoid offending me by supporting me in my effort to identify as a cat

Government to Introduce PTSD to Tackle Parenting Crisis

The government has today announced plans for the establishment of a new ministry.

The PTSD (Parental Training and Standards Department) will be tasked with tackling the national parenting crisis that has brought the country to its knees.

The full extent of the crisis became apparent with the arrival at adulthood of a whole generation of newspaper reporters, politicians, bloggers and other subversive elements with a mental age lower than twelve.

False Flag Operation: Part VII, the Iranian Frame-up

Coming soon to a theatre of war near you

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS by Steve Cook

The latest offering in the flagging epic series, “False Flag”, is this gem from Armageddon Productions Inc.

It is a sequel to the famous earth-shattering classics “Lusitania,” “Pearl Harbour,” “Gulf of Tonkien,” “Twin Towers” and “Weapons of Mass Destruction,” plus the box-office flop, “Syria”, which failed to attract an audience because everybody was tired of the hackneyed plot.

The end of psychiatry – the nation rejoices

NHS to introduce revolutionary new therapy.

by Steve Cook

Researchers have discovered a revolutionary new therapy for stress, depression and similar forms of emotional or mental turbulence. Tests have shown it to be up to a hundred times more effective than psychiatric drugs, lobotomy or ECT.

The research was prompted by an earlier discovery that punching someone in the head is slightly better for curing mental disorders such as being a bit fed up, childhood and SDS (Symptom Deficiency Syndrome) than either ECT or lobotomy but considerably safer.

British scientist sacked over claim: “Earth goeth around ye Sun"' for 'tis widely known ye Sun goeth around ye Earth (but avoideth England)

Daily Scare exclusive: recently discovered Medieval document reveals ancient controversy

by Steve Cook

Dismay erupteth in Britain as ye countrie’s “Truth Tsar” be sacked by a government outraged by his insistence on facts.

Dubbed ye “Superstition Tsar,” professor Trevor Galileo was until his abrupt dismissal yesterday forenoon, ye head of ye venerable Committee for Furthering and Advancing Knowledge and Ending Superstition (FAKES), ye government‟s so-called “Truth Task Force.”

Ye task force cameth forth four years previously under ye aegis of ye Ministrie of PR and Righteous Noises to combat ye most vexatious “plague of superstition, witchcraft and bigotrie” that hath laid waste a generation of skilled and learned gentlefolk and robbed beloved Britannia of great multitudes of her most perspicacious minds – as well, forsooth, as afflicting ye Parliamente and ye Civil Service.

British Roof Horse Leads the Way in Eco Friendly Automotive Laundry

Meanwhile millions of people are on antidepressants due to the stress of not knowing what

“climate change” means
by Steve Cook

A British invention is set to revolutionise the concept of the environmentally friendly automobile by harnessing the wind energy generated by a moving vehicle to dry laundry, thus slashing household electricity bills.

PM Johnson in secret talks with Trump to sell Scotland to the USA

"We thought it prudent to act now whilst Scotland is still ours to sell… "

by Steve Cook, our man is arrears.

News is just coming in that US President Donald Trump and UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson are holding secrets talks to thrash out a deal by which the USA will buy Scotland from England for a sum rumoured to be “in excess of ” ten billion dollars.

This comes in the wake of Trump’s failed bid to buy Greenland from Denmark.

English language to be scrapped

"Too sexist," say experts at the Brain-U-Like Institute.

by Steve Cook

The discovery by psychiatrists of a new mental illness has prompted calls for the entire English language to be scrapped or at least considerably revised on account of it being too sexist.

Researchers at the Brain -U-Like Institute in London recently discovered that the unabashed sexism of many English words has caused millions of people the world over to be deeply offended and suffer from a depression-like illness known as Politically Incorrect Stress Disorder (PISD). The illness particularly strikes people with nothing else to worry about.

Global Temperatures have nothing to do with the Sun, scientists reveal

Climate Change Industry releases shock new findings that pin the blame om human existence

 

by Steve Cook our Environmental co-despondent

In a recent edition of The Daily Scare we revealed how scientists have discovered the role played by human and, to a lesser extent, bovine flatulence in global warming, which may or may not exist according to which scientists you believe.

Most people, of course, choose to believe the scientists that are the most terrifying mainly because these are the ones that get the most press and government funding and the press and the government would never lie to us, even to establish Fear which as you know is essential to the smooth working of any democracy.

Hijacking - Latest

Police are working on the possibility that the hijacking of Flight America One with 50 States and one federal district on board was an inside job.

by Steve Cook

The spotlight of suspicion has shifted to the Board of the airline America Inc after a tip-off by 10 million bloggers.

The aircraft took off on a routine flight from Revolution to the Promised Land in 1787 and aside from encountering some turbulence around 1861, the crew reported no problems until it became evident something was amiss when it made unscheduled and inexplicable detours over Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Iraq, Libya, Oman, Chile, Angola, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Lebanon, Grenada, Honduras, Phillipines, Panama, Liberia, Kuwait, Somalia, Yugoslavia, Albania, Sudan, Yemen, Macedonia, Afghanistan, Colombia, Haiti, Pakistan and Syria.

Local Man Announces He Can’t Be Bothered

by Steve Cook

Local resident,Timothy Dumdown of “In Diffrence” in Dunbothrin-in-the-Mire, today announced that he really can’t be arsed.

Hailed by the government as a shining example of the ideal citizen and the sort of person who has helped make Britain an average province of the Brussels-based Belgian Empire, he delivered a carelessly worded statement at the opening of Dunbothrin’s newest drive-in, the Brain-u-Like psychiatric institute on Meltdown Lane, which he attended in deference to his wife who made him go.

Unearthed document reveals medieval alarm over "Ye horrific Warming of ye Planet"

97% of soothsayers agree that ye apocalypse 
climatic be upon us

by Steve Cook

Here is an interesting quote from an historical document that dates from the Middle Ages – more precisely, right in the middle of what we now know as the Medieval Warm Period (roughly AD 950 to 1300).

The Medieval Warm Period was a successor to the earlier Roman Warm Period and predecessor to our contemporary warm period.

Government to ban Brussels Sprouts

Latest move will protect environment says Ministry of Vegetables

by Steve Cook

In the wake of recent shock discoveries by scientists that human flatulence may be the cause of global warming, the government has today introduced a ban on so-called Greenhouse Vegetables such as the baked bean, the chickpeas and the notorious Brussels Sprout.

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Vegetables said that the ban is vital if we are to protect the environment, the fossil fuel industry and polar bears from global warming, which scientists believe may possibly be happening or about to happen at any moment.

Dinosaurs May Have Worn Hats, Scientists Believe

Study Results in Shock New Discovery about Life in the Jurassic

by Steve Cook

A recent re-examination of prehistoric fossils by scientists at the Natural History Museum in Neasden has resulted in discoveries that have shaken the scientific world to its core. 

The very latest micro-imaging technology and algorithms that enable researchers to painstakingly sift fact from fiction have facilitated a minutely close scrutiny of hundreds of fossils from the Jurassic Period. 

Government prepares to do something stupid, shock

Latest move prompted by growing fears for the health of the pharmaceutical industry as people with measles unpatriotically recover

by Steve Cook

The UK government recently floated in the press that it is thinking of banning un-vaccinated children from school for no logical reason.

This is in line with normal government practice of getting the media to mention that it is probably thinking of doing something stupid yet immensely profitable to its pals,, then gauging public reaction to see if it has any chance of getting away with it.

Scientists Have Discovered that Nobody Knows What's Going On

Top Experts Prove that Universe is Weird 

by Steve Cook

Five hundred of the world's top scientists assembled in Geneva last week in a last-ditch effort to achieve a breakthrough in the search for the scientific Holy Grail known, in layman's terms, as "finding out what is going on".

It is a goal that has inspired centuries of research by some of the planet's greatest minds and original thinkers such as Diogenes, Russel Brand and Al Gore but which has yet to produce the hoped-for breakthrough in human understanding.

“I’ve Decided to Drug my Kids” says Local Dad

Studies prove that reality is not all it is cracked up to be and should be avoided whenever possible.

by Steve Cook

Local dad and parental rights campaigner, Arthur Brayne, today announced that he has decided to drug his children.

Having weighed all the pros and cons in the child-drugging debate, he intends to throw parenting to the winds and adopt the pharmaceutical model of child rearing advocated by such visionaries as Dr Timothy Leary, E. Lie-Lilly and Dr. Leon Eisenberg the famed inventor of ADHD, the celebrated work of fiction.

Government declares Athlete's Foot a national emergency as deadly pandemic spreads

Compulsory Vaccination urged by PPP (Politicians for Pharmaceutical Profits)

by Steve Cook

The deadly athletes foot pandemic (which starts with “pan” instead of “epi” and is thus much more scary) that has cut a swathe of carnage throughout the civilised world (Iceland) and America may already have claimed a billion lives and looks set to claim a bazillion more according to recent discoveries by scientists.

Chaos of universe may soon be explained!

British Particle Avoider Leads to Discovery of Subatomic Particle That is Always Late
by Steve Cook

In the continued effort to penetrate the deepest secrets of the universe (or, failing that, establish new and improved ways to blow things up), British Scientists recently unveiled their successor to the European Hadron Particle Collider.

Experts Believe that Shakespeare was the Inventor/First Exponent of the Christmas Panto

A  scene from "Macbeth" to be performed by the RSC this |Christmas

by Steve Cook 

Researchers have discovered that Shakespeare invented the Christmas Pantomime and was the first exponent of this highly-evolved art form. 

In fact, the discovery of some old manuscripts in a trunk at his former home in Stratford-Upon-Avon have revealed a shocking truth.

DotShit to be the new DotCom?

If you are looking for a way to make your website more catchy, then a digital marketing

company may have the answer!

by Steve Cook

Tech giant Microdross have launched a new series of domain names that will make your website or blog sound more gangsta.

Gangsta as you know is currently considered by everybody except sensible people and other subversive minorities to be really, really cool. The coolness may well account for the rise in the popularity of having no dress sense, speaking in ways nobody can understand, ending sentences with "and shit", referring to your wife or girlfriend as "bitch" (which women find really, really endearing), mugging, drug dealing and other amusing pastimes.

Mystery of Non-Rising Sea Levels Solved.

by Steve Cook

Sea levels have been rising at a rate that may well trigger an ELE (Extinction Level Event) for the Global Warming Industry and send tidal waves of despair throughout many worthy humanitarian causes such as HALO (Help the Aged Loony Oligarch) and MOFASTO (Merchants of Fear and Similar Terrorist Organisations). The disappearance of so many familiar anagrams may well may, however, provide some consolation for societies such as SEA (Society for the Elimination of Anagrams).

Cycling Helmet Embarrassment Syndrome Soon to be Thing of the Past, Experts Claim.

by Steve Cook
Researchers have discovered the primary factor preventing millions of the nation's men from leaving their cars in the garage and taking up the healthier alternative of cycling instead.

By survey, the anxiety that causes men to reject cycling is not, as had been previously believed, the exertion required, the fear of a heart attack or the fact that cycling takes you ages to get anywhere, but what experts are calling CHES, Cycling Helmet Embarrassment Syndrome.

Popular Biscuit may be Bending the Space-Time Continuum

by Steve Cook

Intensive research is now under way in an effort to unravel the mystery of the McVities Chocolate Hobnob, which scientists believe is violating several laws of nature (especially the Law of Conservation of Energy) not to mention some strong hints and helpful suggestions (such as gravity).

It was Albert Einstein, a huge Chocolate Hobnob fan, who first noticed some startling anomalies associated with this popular delicacy.

Failed Marriages - The White Elephant in the Room

by Steve Cook

Scientists have discovered the reason for the rise of failed marriages across the UK.

Evidence has come to light that there is a direct correlation between the rising divorce rate and the strain placed on relationships by the advent of flat-pack, self-assembly furniture - the so-called Ikea Syndrome.

Boris Johnson Resignation - Real Reasons Emerge in Shock Revelation

by Steve Cook

Former British Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, whose tenure was marked by a determination to whip up a confrontation with Vladimir Putin in the best traditions of Anglo-American diplomacy, today revealed the real reasons for his resignation.

Deification of President to Proceed as Planned

by Steve Cook

The process of elevating of the US President to the status of a god is now in its advanced stages and is to proceed as planned, the Secretary of Hysteria announced today.

The move to recognize the inherent godlike nature of the current incumbent of the White House follows the example of the Roman Empire, which adopted the highly sensible and enlightened policy of deifying its emperors. That ground-breaking munificence on the part of Rome's kindly and not-at-all-bonkers rulers bestowed upon the masses the opportunity to "putida sit superflua" (drab sand pointless lives).