New improved PCR Test to be introduced next week

by Steve Cook

Britain's Deputy Vaccine Dictator of the Department of Eugenicide, Hannibal Van Dim, announced this morning that a new improved PCR test will be introduced across the country by the end of the week.

The current test, which relies on a nasal swab using a QTip coated with graphene oxide, is to be scrapped as "too cheap" and being prone to giving too few false positives to justify pinning on it any longer all the government's hopes of bringing the nation a truly convincing pandemic.

The new test, based on the same principles as the old one, will comprise an anal swab inserted into the rectum instead of the nose. 

It will, like the outgoing version, be available in supermarket car parks and shopping malls where it will be administered by inexpert but enthusiastic paid volunteers who will do anything for money in the traditional manner.

The swab, however, will be much larger than the nasal version and, in a move to cut waste and save the planet, each swab will be re-usable after a rinse under the tap.

Another way of cutting costs and dispensing with time- and labour-consuming inconveniences like diagnosis, laboratory analysis and so forth is being piloted in Leamington Spa and, if successful, may be deployed on a national scale.

This innovation involves the use of one anal swab that, where it produces a positive, is assigned to as many as twenty members of the public selected at random from the NHS data base.

This will slash at a stroke the number of testing centres and laboratories that must be maintained at public expense whilst at the same time enabling millions of people to achieve the much sought after accolade of "Covid Case" without having to leave the house or exert any effort in any way.