by Steve Cook
Just as world has at last finished reeling from the Bird Flu and Swine Flu epidemics that swept a swathe of carnage across the entire planet and almost killed dozens of people the world over, a new even more deadly flu has been scientifically discovered.
This new reason to be depressed has been unveiled thanks to the dedicated work of top level researchers in the field of sales, marketing and other humanitarian organisations.
Known as pandemics, Bird and Swine flu were widely believed to be worse than epidemics because they have the word “pan” in them and are named after animals.
They caused several pharmaceutical giants to reel ashen-faced from the torment of accidentally making lots of money from the sale of vaccines that unexpectedly caused the “lemming flu” armageddonodemic, for which there is no known cure except not being injected with vaccines that contain antifreeze, lark’s vomit and ocelot spit even when told to by governments and other criminal conspiracies.
Just when the reeling seemed to be over and the Daily Fibber, Ministry of Hysteria and other members of POCS (Profits Over Common Sense) have been left to guard dangerously diminished stocks of fear and other supplies essential to controlling people and other enemies of democracy, a new hero has ridden to their rescue out of the majestic – and, indeed, radioactive - sunset.
This latest mutation of the flu virus is so devastating in its effects and threatens to afflict so many people across the world and similar planets that scientists and health officials the world over have been sent scouring the deepest recesses of Roget's Thesaurus for a word to embrace the new disease with a fittingly chilling epithet.
Controversy is now raging throughout the scientific world over whether to call this new outbreak a catastrophodemic or a letsallcrapourpantsodemic or even a youmightaswellgiveupthewilltoliveodemic.
All is not lost however: the scientific community remains confident that some sectors of the population will emerge in fine fettle from the worst disaster to blight humanity since the invention of the atom bomb or Monsanto and begin the job of repopulating the Earth with chemically enhanced voters. Such sectors include, of course, pharmaceutical giants, manufacturing giants, food giants and other genetically modified corporations.
In order to counter the coming catastrophodemic, a new vaccine is being hastily prepared by crack teams of press release writers working flat out in bunkers buried deep beyond the dreams of avarice. Chemically indistinguishable from athlete’s foot powder – or, indeed, athlete’s foot – the new vaccine will be made available for the price of a nearly-new Ford Fiesta and by “available” we do, of course, mean compulsory.
The vaccine does have a few minor side effects. It causes brain atrophy in people who own shares in pharmaceutical companies, loss of impulse control by presidents and news editors and death. Proponents of the vaccine however point out that death only occurs in the case of people who inject, eat, drink, absorb or inhale the vaccine and all the deaths have occurred only in foreigners or people who would have stopped breathing eventually anyway.
The vaccine, known as Incense8, represents a major advance in vaccination technology, with the application to health care of a principle known to military leaders for centuries but hitherto only applied to invading armies, the working classes, the American Mid West and other enemies. Known as SEP, the Scorched Earth Principle, it is the process of rendering one’s territory unusable by an invading army (or indeed liberating army, landowners, tenants or, in fact, anybody should the invading army be defeated) its application has been extended to combating invasion of a host by a popular virus.
Incense8, thought to be effective in 100% of sales pitches, works on this SEP principle by rendering the human organism so ill that it becomes unattractive to any virus that happens by, in the way that a roach-infested bungalow tends to be unattractive to a prospective squatter. The virus then goes elsewhere in search of a host more fit for viral habitation.
The new virus is – according to sufferers - right up there with leprosy and SARS, in fact in the league table of deadly killers, sits just below flu vaccines, processed foods and American foreign policy.
Its symptoms are reportedly pretty horrible to witness and at this stage can only be recognised by women. They include:
- The sufferer become convinced that death is imminent and makes pathetic pleas for sympathy
- Sufferer becomes unable to withstand even a mild headache or runny nose and retires to bed for a week or more of writhing in agony
- Sufferer become insufferable
- Women in the vicinity of the sufferer begin to roll their eyes and, in desperation, resort to sarcasm
- Sufferer can often rally and make a miraculous recovery if the possibility of nookie is hinted at.
- The sufferer can often be found going on line to compare symptoms with the symptoms of all known diseases and will often discover that he is suffering from any disease he reads about.
In the light of the last fact, it was only inevitable that there would be a break with the tradition of naming epidemics after animals.
The new “Alleged-Killer Virus” is known as the Man Flu.