In what has been described as a massive u-turn in its War on Democracy the government has announced proposals to give every citizen the opportunity to have a Covid 19 Variant named after them.
Speaking from a sterile bunker under the Cabinet Office, the Minister for Hysteria, Jane Fibbs explained that,
"It is now well established that viruses mutate slightly about once every five minutes, producing nearly identical variants in such profusion it is hard to keep thinking up names for them. This is just the sort of sneaky trick we expect of viruses . . . "
People to test themselves hourly for 115 infectious diseases: public overjoyed as has nothing better to do
by Steve Cook
Speaking for the government pursuant to stipulations of the Freedom of Disinformation Act 2020, Janet Gaff-Smother of the Ministry of Hysteria announced yesterday that the government is planning to get every person and household pet (except goldfish) in the UK to test themselves for Covid19 every hour for the next 83 years or until they die of Covid, whichever comes sooner.
by Steve Cook
The social ill of people insisting on not thinking what they are told to think by politicians and other subversive cults campaigning against the evils of rational thought and thereby threatening politicians and journalists with mental illness is not new. This recently discovered fragment of parchment discovered during the excavation of a mediaeval latrine in Chipping Sodbury shows how the battle against fake news is an ancient one with quite a pedigree.
It is quoted here in full:
Gang of Loons not demented, shock
A jubilant Boris Johnson posting on his official Facebook page, "BJ Fawning Sycophants", today sent the world reeling and gasping with indifference when he announced the discovery by scientists that he and his government, affectionately known by the British people and other dissident movements as "The Gang of Loons", are really brilliant and not at all demented after all.