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Police to de-prioritise knife crime?

Officers to help government's groundbreaking War on Dignity

by Steve Cook

News just in is that the Home Secretary has instructed the UK police to adjust their priorities so that they align with with current government plans to make everybody safe.

She explained that "making the citizens of this great nation safe" can only be achieved in the same way one would render safe any dangerous individual: by (metaphorically speaking) wrestling him to the ground, then locking him up where he can never bother an innocent government again.

Experts fear government may be losing War on Reality

Evidence emerging that resistance may prove futile

The battle with reality has long been the cause celebre of Her Majesty's Government, which has always taken the traditional British approach to evils such as common sense or the laws of economics - or indeed the needs of people and other terrorist factions - of ignoring them and hoping they will go away.

Time, however, may now be laying bare shortcomings in that war effort in so far as reality has not in fact gone away at all and may in fact have dug its heels in and refused to budge.

New menace spreads horror as world reels in shock

Stiff fines for becoming ill contemplated as new threat is reported to be going on

by Steve Cook

The world was left reeling in shock today as it was announced in the media and other completely trustworthy sources of information that there is another threat going on that should be thoroughly advertised in case nobody notices it is going on.

This is quite in addition to the other horrific threats already going on but is, if anything, even more threatening. People are advised to be as afraid as they possibly can and put their complete faith in their government, psychiatrists, media and celebrities to make everything all right, at least posthumously.

Government announces ambitious new project.

Operation Flying Pig is launched as it threatens to do the impossible.

by Steve Cook and Domi Cook

The government has today announced the launch of an ambitous new project that it hopes will see it connected to reality by 2030.

Matt Palaver (Con, Wheedling) of the Ministry of Fabrications explained today that,
"this unprecedented undertaking embarks Her Majesty's Government upon uncharted waters as this sort of thing has never been attempted before. But we are confident that by 2030 or some tine later this government can achieve what many people such as voters and other dissident elements have maintained is completely impossible. We can and will probably have the nation's governance fully connected to reality or something very similar to it."

Police thank Health Secretary for putting more work their way


by Steve Cook

News just in:
Matt Hancock yesterday
 - being treated after his brain
exploded under the pressure
of too many brilliant ideas.
The police were today reported to be delighted by the Health Secretary’s advice to shoppers to call the police if any customer refuses to wear a mask.
It is generally agreed by the Health Secretary and other psychological warfare enthusiasts that “following the science” and wearing a mask is highly desirable in the effort to achieve herd mentality.
When asked what science he was following, he explained that it was the science that backed up the decision to wear masks and that medical experts, doctors, scientists and other conspiracy theorists who contended otherwise, though in the majority, were at variance with the scientific consensus among the government’s experts (Dr John Strangelove and Professor Cabal of the Ministry of Truth).

Arrested for wearing a mask!

Meanwhile, entire planet still not sterile - government to blame.

by Steve Cook

I'm somewhat embarrassed to report that I got myself in a bit of
trouble with the law this morning, which resulted in my arrest followed by a conviction for breach of the peace, a £1000 fine and a 6-month sentence suspended for three years.

Personally, I blame the government. While I am grateful for its efforts to give me something to erroneously feel superior to, I really do think it is time we demanded that it make a better job of doing our thinking for us.

And what was my offence? Trying my damnedest to be a good citizen!

Hopes soar as new pandemic launched

Top-secret advisors are in unanimous agreement that something horrible is going to happen

by Steve Cook
What the virus probably looks like goes viral

The failure of COVID19 to live up to its marketing claims left the pharmaceutical industry with dangerously depleted stocks of the scary viruses so essential for the healthy profits that result from robust demands for its vaccines.

Hence, the industry was relieved to start July on a more upbeat note with the launch of  a brand new media-borne epidemic that, according to one government expert, Dr Dennis Goebbels, could,
"kill millions across the civilised world and America as well if our mathematical models are more accurate than the previous ones."

Government in drastic new move to halt spread of common sense

The PM arrives at this morning's briefing
The PM arrives at this morning's briefing

A new horrifying anticlimax in the novel coronavirus epidemic even more horrifying than previous red herrings has spread dismay throughout newsrooms and other vulnerable minorities all across the world.

It caused many governments to disconnect even further from reality this morning when it was revealed that  millions of people didn’t realise they were sick until they were told they were by one or more politicians.

COVID19 second wave: nation braces for a new spike of scaremongering

by Steve Cook, (safely quarantined for the greater good)

Millions of people were left ashen-faced and reeling from shock today at the terrifying news spreading horrifically throughout the media, government and other vulnerable groups.

Government clarifies how it is saving the NHS

by Steve Cook

The Health Minister today, in one of his regular televised briefings known as Hancock's
Half Hour, explained to the nation in hard-hitting abstruse terms how the government plans to probably save the NHS, God willing.

The clarification was prompted by the fact that during the Coronavirus "statistical anomaly"crisis in which a media-borne virus infected the government's brain and caused it to destroy the country for its own good, many citizens and other conspiracy theorists have noticed how the NHS is working a 60% capacity with many medical staff left with nothing to do except make life-saving Tik Tok videos and publish them on YouTube.

Government issues latest updated scientific Coronavirus guidelines

Guidelines are laws unless merely suggestions, in which case they are compulsory except in most circumstances, says Government

by Steve Cook

The government today issued its latest guidelines for curbing the spread of Coronavirus and other media-borne infections.

In a televised briefing, the Prime Minister informed the nation that we probably won't all die so long as we do what the government says without asking stupid questions (such as, "what's the point?" , "is it really a good idea to shove the nation deeper into bankruptcy? and "are you serious?" etc).

Concerns about 5G and vaccines condemned as a conspiracy on the part of millions of conspiracy theorists

Bill Gates is not trying to kill you and you can trust us on this, says media

Various newspapers and magazines the world over have today leapt to the defence of much-maligned but extremely rich philanthropist Bill Gates over his philanthropic plans to reduce the population using vaccines and 5G radiation.
Particularly controversial is his completely innocent and not at all sinister scheme to use vaccines to implant people with microchips so that undertakers can easily find their corpses using Google Maps.

Revealed:the historical roots of fact checking

This article has been thoroughly fact checked and had all verifiable facts removed

Amid the current furor over "fact checking" by Facebook, the media and other bastions of righteousness that have never been
Fact Checkers at work circa 1500
known to tell fibs, it has been forgotten that Fact Checking is far from new.

Recently unearthed documents, discovered by researchers in an old hat box that had been gathering dust in the basement of Tower of London, reveal that fact checking dates from the Middle Ages when it was used extensively to relieve the minds of the hoi poloi and riffraff of the burden of heresy.

"Fact Checking" - comedy masterpiece takes the world by storm

Scientists discover alternative universe full of odd socks

by Steve Cook
Frankenstein probe's historic first pic of the
northern face of Sock Mountain

We have all experienced the mind-numbing horror and dismay of discovering we have odd socks, the matching socks having eerily vanished into thin air. It doesn't matter how much we work at pairing our socks, we are ALWAYS left with three for which there is no match. Even more peculiarly, the odd three are never the same ones from week to week.

Newspaper sales skyrocket as the nation runs out of toilet paper.

by Steve Cook

When so much is doom and gloom it is heartening for almost no-one to discover that British newspapers are suddenly doing very well indeed.

Creeping menace continues to lurk

by Steve Cook

News is just coming in that the invisible creeping menace that everybody feared might start lurking at any moment is in fact lurking much more than was first feared.

Next-generation digital currency will make everybody rich.

Excitement reaches fever pitch as klepto-currency enables ordinary people to become capitalists and enslave the planet.

by Steve Cook

Following on from the success of crypto-currencies, an entrepreneur operating from a laptop in Melton Mowbray has created a new digital currency that he promises, "will make everybody rich."

Scientists discover thousands of previously dormant modifiers

"F" word could be under threat, say experts
by Steve Cook

A scientific expedition into the hitherto unexplored depths of Roget's Thesaurus via several remote dictionaries has discovered the existence of thousands of previously unknown modifiers.

Pants blaze as accusations fly

Shock news from the world of politics

by Steve Cook

Pants continue to blaze with no sign of respite across the political spectrum this morning as the world of politics was rocked by a shocking development.

Fear and dismay have escalated as things look set to continue the way they have been continuing for hundreds of years and well into the foreseeable future. But things are worse than and, indeed, the same as most pundits dared hope.

Police hunt suspect after beanstalk tragedy

Happier times - Ogre pictured here celebrating
the release of his latest album "Golden Harp" 
The Police have today announced that they are treating the sudden death of local giant, Mr Ogre (pictured right just weeks before his death), during yesterday's tragic beanstalk incident as murder.

At this morning's press conference, Chief Inspector Fable told reporters that they are hunting an Englishman, know only as "Jack", on suspicion of having caused Ogre's plunge to his death from the giant beanstalk outside his historic castle at The Land in the Sky.

Fury Sparks Rage over Controversial Threat

Panic spreads as people react

The world was bracing itself this morning as anger has boiled over at the news that something is going on.

When things start going on, it is well known that no good will come of it and thus the menace of this new threat prompted a furious response from the Prime Minister, who declared a Fuchsia Alert.

"There is no room in Democracy for things going on and similar outbreaks of extremism," he said.

Lemming Flu pandemic - world braced for widespread brain atrophy

Millions may suffer from the new disease they've seen advertised.

by Steve Cook

It is well known that the world's worst epidemics are those named after animals.

Thus, in recent years we have had the airborne bird flu and swine flu, which were notorious for slaughtering more than a hundred people the world over. They were of course not merely epidemics but pandemics and it is a scientific fact that any demic beginning with pan is a whole lot more scary than ones merely beginning with epi.

Reality is fake. New TV series reminds everyone of what they already know

Entertainment news 
by Steve Cook

Armageddon Productions have today announced the release of an exciting new sci fi TV series based on the hit movie, The Matrix.

Entitled The Mediatrix and directed by Bulgarian director Salazaar Bim, who is famed for such horror and sci fi classics as "Are We All Really Dead?" "Measles Apocalypse" and "The Man Who Lost His Sandwich", the series further explores the theme of a sleeping humanity living in an artificially-created fake reality.

From the director who lost his angst: the man who lost his sandwich

An exclusive report on revolutionary film maker, Salazaar Bim

by Steve Cook

Bulgarian director Salazaar Bim has long been renowned for feature-length films in the popular CD (Completely Depressing) genre.

His works depict various visions of a dystopian future in which just about everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong and has become something nobody in their right mind would want to live in. 

They attract huge audiences, which he artfully and creatively divests of any last grains of optimism whatsoever and, indeed, the will to live - as well as boosting the sale of antidepressants. This has made him an immensely popular artist among directors and shareholders of the pharmaceutical industry.

Greetings, minions!

Your Emperor's Seasonal Message, 2019. Text in full

by Steve Cook

It is a tradition of the Empire that we bring in the new year with a seasonal broadcast from your Emperor, Avaricius Vexus, secretly filmed at a location that must remain . . . um, secret, for security reasons.  Here is a transcript of this year's Imperial message.

Greetings Minions!

At this time of year, the winter solstice, it is incumbent upon all of us to reflect upon the message of great spiritual leaders such as Jesus Christ and other pinko liberal troublemakers and, for some us, to congratulate ourselves on how far we have come since those bad old days when the idea that we should all be nice to one another was first insinuated into the affairs of men.

New discovery uncovers hidden cause of recession

by Steve Cook and Liam Cook

It has been alleged by troublemakers determined to undermine the highly popular status quo of nobody knowing what is really going on that recessions are caused by a shortage of circulating money - a relative scarcity of spending power.

The shortage of spending power, they also maliciously allege, prompts people business and governments to borrow lots of money to compensate for it.

Your Brain Should be a Lot Smaller, say Psychiatrists

by Steve Cook

Researchers at the Josef Mengele Brain-U-Like Institute in Masskillin near Dunhelpin, Scotland, have announced today the discovery that the human brain is too big and unwieldy to be entirely practical.

The shock announcement marks the culmination of a thirty-year research project involving millions of citizens and other guinea pigs in which volunteers were administered doses of psychotropic medications over long periods in order to find out how small the brain could be shrunk before subjects lost the ability to chew.

Charity reiterates seasonal warning that a government is for life not just for Christmas

Sadly, so many people never seem to learn, says spokesperson.

by Steve Cook

The Charity NOPES today issued a warning to the 13-plus million voters who decided to adopt this Christmas a Tory government to replace the Tory government that they voted to adopt last time that, "A government is for life, not just for Christmas."
A spokesperson for the National Organisation for the Prevention of Electoral Stupidity said that, "Sadly, it seems that no matter how often these calamities happen, some people just never learn."

New Charity to help Millions facing a bleak Christmas

See the source image
by Steve Cook

Today sees the timely launch of a brand new charity tasked with bringing help to the truly needy this Christmas.

Britain is, as you know, the recognised charity capital of the world with more than two registered charities per citizen, a boom brought about by the rise of charitable giving, which has replaced commerce as the primary method of distributing wealth from those who have it (Gill and Vampira Bates, Nathan Oligarch etc) to those who don't (everybody else, etc).

Government to Clamp Down on Layabouts and Scroungers

by Steve Cook

In the wake of the Tory Party's stunning general election victory over an assortment of globalist front groups, the new Minister for Unemployment, Slim Pickings, today announced a shock u-turn in the government’s traditional policy on benefits and handouts to people who refuse to work.

He explained that the government’s erstwhile strategy for economic recovery, once hailed as a “veritable Titanic of fiduciary wisdom” is to be abandoned.

Digital Carnage under Threat Say Experts

A government spokesperson has predicted that World War Three will be fought and won from a laptop in a bedsit in Melton Mowbray.

by Steve Cook

This somewhat belatedly follows an earlier report in as far back as 9/1/13 in which the Commons Defence Committee warned a shocked and armchair-bound nation that, “The armed forces are now so dependent on information technology that their ability to operate could be ‘fatally compromised’ by a sustained cyber attack.”

Government to Borrow Money to Get Out of Debt

But money could possibly grow on trees after all
Pictured:the highest mountain in Britain is made entirely of IOUs

by Steve Cook

With the General Election only days away and the nation reeling from the bleak prospect of five more years of government, we are witnessing a phenomenon rare, if not unheard of, in British politics.

Politicians across the political spectrum have demonstrated an unprecedented consensus on the hitherto contentious subject of the economy with today's announcement that they are all “completely stumped” and at a loss to explain how the nation ended up with twice as much debt as there is actual money in existence.

General Election 2019. The Puppet Show Continues

"General Election 2019" marks the bicentennial of the world's longest-running puppet show, "Democracy".

Entertainment News by Steve Cook

Featuring state-of-the-art puppets so life-like they are occasionally mistaken for real people, the current episode comprises an anarchic mix of the slapstick and the surreal.

Man not friends with Jeffrey Epstein exposed

Snubbed dignitary the subject of new Panorama documentary

by Steve Cook

Ever since Jeffrey Epstein killed himself by orchestrating his own murder it has emerged that the famed businessman - who operated a charity that donated little boys and girls to needy oligarchs, politicians and other degenerates - was personal friends with everybody in the planet's senior management echelons.

Boris Johnson in dramatic new pledge shock

Tory leader breaks new ground at Dunslistnin

by Steve Cook

Boris Johnson today made a dramatic new pledge as to his very first action if he becomes the UK's new Prime Minister in December.

Speaking to a hushed and incredulous audience at a meeting of the Conservative action group "What's left of the NHS is safe with us, honest" in Dunlistnin, he announced:

Last night's televised political debate re-match - text in full

Image result for tv debate corbyn and johnson looking demented

Plus revealing fact check

by Steve Cook
The general election Day of Doom, after which the nation faces the prospect of another five years of government, looms. As it bears down upon the nation like the Titanic emerging from a thick fog as it steams manically towards another, thicker fog with an iceberg in it, political debate has intensified.

From Brexit to Brussov: UK to leave EU and join Russian Federation?

Brits seek option that includes not being run by tossers

by Steve Cook

Opinion polls released today asked a broad cross section of the population what the country should do after Brexit.

The shock results show that the majority of Brits are in favour of applying to join the Russian Federation.

Tree-planting "War of Promises" rages as election Day of Doom looms

Politicians harness the power of the environment

by Steve Cook

The Daily Scare can report that a tree-planting "war of promises" is now raging among the UK's political parties as they compete in a failed attempt to convince voters that they are not as stupid as they look.

Public concerns about the environment have prompted Parliament to pass a "Brown Trouser Alert" and that in turn has catalysed an effort by the major parties to look environmental - as opposed to merely mental - in what appears to be a sincere effort to broaden the spectrum of promises they won't keep.

Power elite finds answer to universal mistrust - everything now lovely

New enhanced terminology leads to enhanced politics

It has become obvious that governments have a serious problem in that hardly anybody believes a word they say. This tends to create insurmountable difficulties because it is a well-established fact known to experts such as those in government that telling the truth makes effective governance impossible.

This has now been cleverly overcome by a new development: redefining words so nobody can be sure what they are talking about.

Inventor of the plastic toilet seat blamed for epidemic of buttock disorders

The most evil device ever invented? 

Pharmaceutical giant to launch vaccine

by Steve Cook

Police are today seeking to interview a man from Nether Wallop in Hampshire on suspicion of being the man who devised the most evil device ever invented, the plastic toilet seat.

Originally developed as an "enhanced interrogation" tool by the benefactors of Guantanamo and other compulsory resorts run by those nice people of the CIA (Completely Inoffensive Americans), the Plastic Toilet Seat (PTS) has been linked by scientists to an epidemic of disorders of the buttocks that overload the NHS to breaking point every winter.

9/11: New Evidence Exonerates US Government

FIB Investigation results in shock report

An investigation by FIB, the US government’s completely unbiased and trustworthy “Federal Investigation Branch (motto: “The truth and everything but the truth”) has uncovered shock new evidence that conclusively proves the real reasons for the collapse of the Twin Towers and the third World Trade Centre building on 9/11.

Released today, the FIB report (entitled, “What Really Happened on 9/11 and subtitled, “We are not even lying this time”) lays to rest all sensible theories about 9/11 – plus the government’s own conspiracy theory that hinged somewhat tenuously upon the notion that on 9/11 all the laws of physics were temporarily suspended.

Giant hedgehog facing extinction,scientists fear

The world was treated yesterday to a rare sighting of the famous Giant Hedgehog, which wandered out of Ashdown Forest in search of food and made a brief appearance near Hartfield in East Sussex before vanishing back into the Forest again.

The creature, which can reach a height of ten feet at the shoulder and a weight of 30 tons when fully grown is, sadly, feared to be facing extinction, with less than a hundred surviving in the wild. It was named recently by Extinction Rebellion as one of the three hundred million species murdered by the human penchant for having the central heating running full blast, not being vegan enough and driving to environmental protests in gas-guzzling automobiles.

US scientists develop world's first GMP (Genetically Modified Politician)

by Steve Cook

Geneticists in the USA have engineered a new strain of politician amid fears its introduction into the political food chain may contaminate the entire balance of power and precipitate some sort of crisis that, whilst vague, is nevertheless spreading terror throughout news rooms across the planet.

English Rugby - New Horror!

Shock News from the World of Rugby Union
by Steve Cook

News just in is that the England Rugby team have announced that they will be introducing their own version of the famous “Haka” (pictured right) performed by the New Zealand Rugby players before matches. 

The move is widely predicted to spread “fear and dismay” throughout the word of Rugby, especially in England.

Gorilla identifies as human, wins World Heavyweight Crown

Controversial first-round  knockout for the Salisbury Simian as the world of boxing successfully avoids offending anyone.

In an earlier issue we reported the success of researchers at Neasden University who taught Dennis the gorilla an extensive vocabulary of hand signs by which he was, remarkably, able to master an ever-increasing vocabulary of words.

Trump linked to sinister Russian maniac

Best grounds yet to impeach as claims proven beyond all reasonable sense

The impeachment proceedings against US President Trump took a new and sinister turn yesterday with the discovery that he probably has links to a Russian psychopath.

Why Trump got elected - the truth!

Unhinged globalist Democrat reveals all

by Steve Cook

Killary Hinton today announced she has discovered that Donald Trump won the 2016 US election because 62,979,636 voters colluded with Russia.

"The evidence," she said,"is plain for all to see.They could have voted for me but they didn't, despite me being brilliant, which proves the extent of Russia's sinister influence."

New speed limits for pedestrians in force by 2021

Government to introduce pedestrian speed limits as safety concerns grow
by Steve Cook

The government today announced that as from 2021, new speed limits for pedestrians will come into force. The move is a response to growing fears about the safety of pedestrians on the nation's pavements and is an effort to reduce the casualties that could possibly happen to people all over the country as a result of potentially fatal collisions caused by people walking too fast, not looking where they are going and losing control of their bodies on tight bends and so forth.

Airport Cupcake Scare

Security Agencies Crack Down on Home Baking
by Steve Cook

In the wake of a recent security scare in which a “woman” was caught red handed trying to bring two cupcakes aboard a plane at Las Vegasairport, security services the world over are now on the alert for attempts by “people” to smuggle bread crumbs, scones, vanilla essence, waffles and other bomb-making equipment aboard aircraft.

In further moves to crack down on what is emerging as a plot involving millions of terrorists to bring civilisation to its knees, thousands of websites publishing recipes for cakes and potentially deadly flans are being shut down.

5,000 Gang Members to enter Rehab to cure Addiction

All 5000 members of a crime syndicate known as “The Elite” are to be admitted to rehab in an effort to handle their dependency on a drug known on the streets as “Satan”.
by Steve Cook

The gang, masterminded by a small tight-knit cadre of geriatric mental patients is thought to be the most successful and wealthy criminal operation in the history of the universe. With headquarters in Washington and chapters in most countries, its nefarious tendrils extend across the world and several neighbouring planets. It is also known by the names “Gang of Loons” or “The Inebriati”.