Oh What a Lovely New War!

by Steve Cook

Following the so-called War on Terror that ended in a draw after extra time and the so-called War on Drugs that resulted in an embarrassing defeat, the government today launched a new War that it is confident will prove even more popular than the first two.

In this new War, it will draw heavily on its experience in the first two practice wars, to guarantee complete victory this time.

This is the so-called War on Peace, which it has already begun heavily promoting in the media.

This latest charitable campaign focuses on the need to rid the world of Russia, which has been found to exist and its leader, Vladimir Putin, who is famous for the crime of not being dead. 

Russia, as you know, has threatened the world by recovering from Communism, embarrassing the United States by beating up ISIS in the Middle East and threatening the US with the prospect of having to stop invading people, something known throughout Washington to be impossible and, worse, a  Threat to the Economy in that should peace break out, millions of arms dealers would be thrown out of work.

The dedicated effort of all those who have pledged the lives of millions of their fellow citizens to winning the War on Peace at any (especially high) cost has inspired a fund-raising drive for worthy causes such as Help the Aged Oligarch and the WI (Weapons manufacturers Institute). It has inspired millions of citizens to give generously of their hard-earned, yet inadequate, incomes and donate their children.

The War on Peace has captured the imagination, not to mention common sense, to such a degree that millions of people enthusiastically believe everything they are told by newspapers even when it is manifestly ridiculous.

As it launches this new crusade to protect us from harm, the government reassures everybody that nothing could possibly go wrong and picking a needless fight with a nuclear power is perfectly safe, so long as the wind blows the fallout in an easterly direction (if you are in Western Europe) or a Westerly direction if you are in the US. 

While many point out that Russia does not seem unduly belligerent, the government assures us too that in time it will certainly become very belligerent indeed if we keep poking and provoking it long enough, its legendary and annoying patience notwithstanding.

While others point to the fact that earlier wars against foreign countries usually ended in tears, lots of people having their legs blown off and so forth, the government takes pains to explain that over ninety percent of all the people killed in wars would have died eventually anyway and the remaining ten percent were quite grateful to have contributed something meaningful to the cause of World Debt. 

Besides, all the bugs have now been ironed out and if we would just agree to having one last little war against Russia everything will be lovely.

The government and other lunatics have however been dismayed by the response from the public so far, which has been inexplicably lukewarm on the one hand and dominated by the unfairly accurate notion that they are being lied to by warmongering twats on the other.

The War on Peace has also inspired the popular new video game Wargasm in which players are required to fabricate plausible excuses for starting World War Three and help very wealthy escaped mental patients survive a 99% cull of humanity by successfully hiding in luxury fallout shelters buried deep under Mountains of Avarice.