Inventor of the plastic toilet seat blamed for epidemic of buttock disorders

The most evil device ever invented? 

Pharmaceutical giant to launch vaccine

by Steve Cook

Police are today seeking to interview a man from Nether Wallop in Hampshire on suspicion of being the man who devised the most evil device ever invented, the plastic toilet seat.

Originally developed as an "enhanced interrogation" tool by the benefactors of Guantanamo and other compulsory resorts run by those nice people of the CIA (Completely Inoffensive Americans), the Plastic Toilet Seat (PTS) has been linked by scientists to an epidemic of disorders of the buttocks that overload the NHS to breaking point every winter.

The cost to the nation amounts to bazillions of pounds that could have been better spent on blowing up foreigners, giving the European Union bigger handouts or launching Boris Johnson into space.

The buttock disorders include chilblains, blood circulation problems, mild frostbite and inability to sit, plus mass constipation as millions of people across the county put off using the toilet when temperatures approach zero.

Researchers have discovered that the plastic toilet seat is unable to retain heat and tends to maintain temperatures ten degrees below the ambient temperature of the average bathroom or WC. Thus when the bathroom is chilly at, say, six degrees, the toilet seat is more likely to be at minus four degrees. This then tends to cause physical and mental trauma in anyone sitting on it.

The problem, caused by what scientists refer to as the Loo Seat Temperature Anomoly (LSTA), can become so severe in winter months that in 2018 the fire brigade was called to hundreds of emergencies involving users becoming stuck to the seat and one man in Cheshire had to have his buttocks surgically removed.

There is a bright side to the LSTA, however, as researchers are hopeful it may provide a solution to global warming, which is believed to exist by Al Gore and thousands of other people unable to observe what is actually happening. A prototype giant toilet seat is being built in a secret laboratory near Hysteriabad in Pakistan. Measuring twelve miles across, once built it will be towed by an international flotilla of barges to the North Pole where it is hoped it will help expand the ice cap, save the polar bear and bring about World Peace.

As for the plastic toilet seat's inventor, John Chillabutt (97), recently dubbed "The Most Hated Man in Britain", he is currently in hiding and when found faces serious charges under new anti-terrorism laws. As a spokesperson for the Ministry of Trumped Up Charges, Janet Fibbs explained,
"We take the matter very seriously. The epidemic of buttock disorders is so widespread as to constitute a threat to national security at a time when the nation is suffering not only from the cold and chill of global warming but a dire shortage of security threats."
Luckily, the pharmaceutical manufacturer, Toxic Chemicals, has been able to come up with a vaccine for Cold Buttock Syndrome. The vaccine, known as Injectakill, had been developed ten years ago and been lying around their laboratories with nothing to do. By an amazing stroke of luck it was found that Injectakill just happens to provide a solution by inducing the urge to vomit every time a person wants to use the loo. It has been scientifically proven by extensive lavatory tests that vomiting can be done whilst standing up, thus enabling the person to avoid using the deadly toilet seat.

The government hailed the vaccine as a boon to mankind - a declaration completely dis-related to Toxic Chemicals' donations to Party funds - and is considering making it mandatory by 2026.
"Nothing could possibly go wrong"said a spokesperson for the Ministry of Terminal Stupidity


Trip: a novella by Steve Cook. A tale of the psychedelic apocalypse and one man who thinks he's immune. Read it now and disconnect from reality. Available in paperback and ebook. Find out more now.