New Charity to help Millions facing a bleak Christmas

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by Steve Cook

Today sees the timely launch of a brand new charity tasked with bringing help to the truly needy this Christmas.

Britain is, as you know, the recognised charity capital of the world with more than two registered charities per citizen, a boom brought about by the rise of charitable giving, which has replaced commerce as the primary method of distributing wealth from those who have it (Gill and Vampira Bates, Nathan Oligarch etc) to those who don't (everybody else, etc).

A pretty girl not in  need of charity
The country's vast plethora of charities ranges from mega-charities such as AMELEE (Avert a Measles-Epidemic-Level Extinction Event), HALO (Help an Aged Loony Oligarch) and SNAD (Sponsor a Needy Arms Dealer) to the lesser-known like (FAM) Feed A Hamster, SUP (Society for Universal Panic) and SEA (Society for the Elimination of Anagrams).

The charity epidemic has spawned a rise in calls to Samaritans by people distressed by not being able to give money to everybody who thrusts a collection box in their face or their personal guilt for the atrocity of enjoying a muffin whilst street waifs are starving in Hysteriabad. It has also produced a counter movement marked by a boom in the sale of t-shirts bearing such legends as "I'm with Scrooge" and "Charity begins next door".

The relentless demand for philanthropy has at the same time rendered millions of distressed and needy Brits facing the threat of being skint over Christmas due to having given all their money to worthy causes. This has prompted the newly-elected Conservative government to declare a Charity Emergency.
Another pretty girl not in need of charity

The Minister for Penury, Greta Worries, has therefore welcomed the formation of the new charity, which is designed to help people survive these threats.

Philanthropists Anonymous will, it is hoped, raise sufficient funds to address the problem in a two-pronged approach:

  1. by providing millions of cheese sandwiches to families facing hunger on Christmas day
  2. by providing counselling and rehab facilities that will address (a) the addiction to starting charities and fund-raisers (b) helping sufferers to "just say 'no' " to philanthropy.
If you would like to donate to Philanthropists Anonymous (and let's face it you'd have to be a complete scum bag not to), please follow the following links:
  1. Philanthropists Anonymous
  2. Samaritans

Genghis Kant: a novel by Steve Cook. Features incredibly alien household appliances and edible musicians. Available in paperback and ebook or injected straight into your brain. Find out more now.