Clairvoyant "vibe sensing" to replace less accurate PCR test.
by Steve Cook
In a new twist in the hunt for the pandemic that is believed to be lurking undetected somewhere in Britain in open defiance of government statistics, it was announced today that, "ten thousand psychics" will be hired to help in what has become known as the "War on Common Sense".
This latest move comes in the wake of a discovery made as recently as last February that the PCR test is - in the words of one expert - "totally shite" at detecting whether a person has COVID19.
This slight flaw is due to it not having been designed to detect a live virus and its ability to do so on a scale of one to ten has consequently hovered between zero and minus twelve.
A result of that has been tens of thousands of people being falsely labelled as having the COVID19 infection and consequently suffering mild inconveniences such as being instructed to self isolate, having their national economy shut down and other irritations.
The government has now admitted it bravely persevered for months with the flawed test, putting up heroically with the discomfort suffered by its citizenry, in the hope that it would miraculously, "suddenly become less useless."
Complaints have been made by outraged people and other trouble makers with mental health problems that the government has inflicted massive damage upon the nation based on false statistics derived from the flawed tests. But these were dismissed today in a statement by Tom Flannel of the Ministry of Secret Experts in a carefully worded rebuttal:
"Instead of whingeing and moaning about alleged therapeutic damage to the country, people should better occupy their time by reflecting on how lucky they are that the government was here to eventually admit to the use of flawed tests before thousands, perhaps millions more people had their lives ruined."
He also added,
"Let me finish by reminding everyone that our Glorious Leader, Booris Jong-Un yesterday announced brilliant new measures to put an end to all the ungrateful whining, measures that probably won't destroy the country any more than he deems absolutely necessary."
The new measures comprise two new . . . er, measures that secret experts have scientifically proven in secret experiments cannot possibly fail to keep everybody safe from bitching, moaning, ingratitude and other mental illnesses. They are:
- making bitching and moaning illegal - a move designed to bring peace of mind to the nation's corporate oligarchy.
- a cunning master plan for the implementation of an alternative to the flawed PCR tests.
Trained to use the science of clairvoyance to scientifically detect the presence of the virus with a pinpoint accuracy of 1%, this army of psychics are confidently expected to bring widespread relief to a nation reeling under the burden of being told it is not very well by the government. It is hoped that this latest measure will supply much needed but hitherto absent evidence of a pandemic.
The "Army of Psychic Marshals" will number ten thousand experts and cost the tax payer no less than a third of the country's GDP, which considering the GDP has been trimmed by government efforts to about the cost of a single Toyota Avensis, this is not very much at all. The cost saving is due in part to the willingness of many psychics to work for peanuts and some free advertising.
A single Psychic Marshal will be able, experts confidently predict, to test ten thousand people in a single afternoon.
Tests of the new system were carried out in Leeds and Wolverhampton between 1pm and 2pm yesterday.
Psychics were sent out to patrol the community, especially care homes and terminal cancer and cardiac wards, using their "COVID Sixth Sense" to identify COVID sufferers - most of whom did not even know they were unwell on account of not feeling unwell (not feeling unwell is no longer accepted as evidence that a person is not unwell as you can be quite ill without feeling it).
Once psychically identified, the sufferers were then pointed at by the psychic until the cops arrived. They (the sufferers that is, not the psychics) were then immediately placed in therapeutic custody by the police on charges of "having COVID19 without a permit" or "being old and frail without a licence".
All those thus identified were immediately dubbed "COVID Cases" by the government and confined to internment camps until they got better or died (or both).
A similar pilot scheme in Liverpool had to be abandoned when angry mobs chucked half a dozen Psychic Marshals into the Mersey. The strong public reaction is said to have shocked the scheme's architects as nobody saw it coming.
Shockingly, yet somehow not surprisingly, the use of laser precise psychic abilities has revealed that in both the cities used to test the new system, tens of thousands of cases were quickly identified, confirming that the spread of the disease was much worse, although more insidiously symptom-free, than the government had first feared.
As Jane Fibbs of the Ministry of Hysteria explained at this morning's press conference,
"Nobody wanted this new horror with which to bludgeon the nation. Honest!
With half million new cases confirmed in a single hour in Wolverhampton alone, the government has been able to confidently and accurately predict that the country will be completely wiped out by next March, thus opening the door to a take over by immigrants crossing the Channel in small boats or by clinging to driftwood and inflatable lilos.
One expert has pointed out that immigrants are, typically, immune to the deadly virus and not at all afraid to move in on a country riddled with it and suffering from what has been officially dubbed in a typically calm and reassuring manner an "apocalydemic".
One possible minor flaw in the new "Psychic testing" tool in the government's bag of tricks is that some experts in psychic phenomena have pointed out the psychics do not just register the presence of COVID19 but a host of other infestations that they are unable to distinguish from the virus. These include man flu, dandruff and athlete's foot.
The government however has taken steps to deal with such aspersions by wrecking the reputations of the experts responsible on Google, taking down their videos, helping them commit suicide, planting illegal downloads on their computers or burning them at the stake for heresy and other modern methods of cutting-edge scientific debate.