Rapid-profit, Test-and-Jab system launched

People to test themselves hourly for 115 infectious diseases: public overjoyed as has nothing better to do

by Steve Cook

Speaking for the government pursuant to stipulations of the Freedom of Disinformation Act 2020, Janet Gaff-Smother of the Ministry of Hysteria announced yesterday that the government is planning to get every person and household pet (except goldfish) in the UK to test themselves for Covid19 every hour for the next 83 years or until they die of Covid, whichever comes sooner.

This plan is expected to provide a shot in the arm for Hitt and Miss Inc, the manufacturers of the test famed the world over for helping people realise they have been struck down by a killer virus with no symptoms. The test is deemed vital because people are at risk of living for decades without realising they are ill.

The government is certain the nothing could possibly go wrong and determined to enforce the inalienable right of all citizens to know how ill they really are and not be fooled  by the fact that they don't look or feel ill, which is one of the insidious symptoms of this deadly killer famed for being worse than the Black Death, Spanish Flu, Anthrax, heroin withdrawal and a germ warfare attack all rolled into one.

Hitt and Miss, owned by the billionaire Nathan Toryparty-Donor, this morning received further good news predicted to snatch the company from the jaws of not having lots of money. It came in the form of the announcement that the government intends to expand its successful Covid testing scheme, which had lots of success since being successfully launched yesterday afternoon, to include hourly testing for 114 0ther infectious diseases.

This is the new "Test-and-Jab" scheme under which each illness tested for (see list below) has its own vaccine that can be swiftly self-administered using the new "self help" injection kits developed by the heroin industry and supplied by Psychokiller Jabs Inc owned by businessmen Nathan Toryparty-Donor and Boris Hancock-Whitty the famed psychanthropist.

All the vaccines have been proven safe after three and a half hours of thorough testing plus trials that will continue until 2030 on tens of million of volunteers after which, should they turn out not to have been safe after all, the industry and government will apologise to the survivors.

The apologies will not however extend to the extreme of allowing victims or their surviving relatives to seek compensation on the grounds that anyone daft enough to trust what the government and pharmaceutical corporations tell them only has himself (or herself) to blame.

It is expected that this scheme will eradicate all boring traditional illnEsses and replace them with state-of-the-ar,t high-powered vaccine adverse reactions.

Concerns were raised by Unbelievers that the new rapid-profit test-and-jab system harbours potentially lethal flaws such as the danger that one person could wind up testing positive for everything and receive 119 vaccine shots in as little as a week. Although many in the vaccine industry consider this a Good Thing, these fears were quashed by statistics that show this is a rare occurrence, happening in a mere forty seven percent of cases and only twelve percent of these died whilst the remainder suffered only mild symptoms such as early-onset dementia and strange lumps.

So the consensus among knowledgeable groups such as SAGE (Subversive Advisory Group on Emergencies) and AOBF (Aging Oligarchs' Benevolent Fund) is that nothing could possibly go wrong and this development is the most beneficial in the history of the human race.

Here is the list if diseases that the public are required according to the latest mandatory voluntary guidelines and enforceable suggestions to test themselves for

  1. Swine Flu

  2. Bird Flu

  3. Armadillo Flu

  4. Lemming Flu

  5. Stealth Flu

  6. Venusian Head Termites

  7. Acute Flaccid Myelitis (AFM)

  8. Anaplasmosis

  9. Anthrax

  10. Babesiosis

  11. Botulism

  12. Brucellosis

  13. Campylobacteriosis

  14. Carbapenem-resistant Infection

  15. Chancroid

  16. Chikungunya Virus Infection (Chikungunya)

  17. Chlamydia

  18. Ciguatera (Harmful Algae Blooms (HABs))

  19. Clostridium Difficile Infection

  20. Clostridium Perfringens (Epsilon Toxin)

  21. Coccidioidomycosis fungal infection (Valley fever)

  22. COVID-19 (Coronavirus Disease 2019)

  23. Creutzfeldt-Jacob Disease, transmissible spongiform encephalopathy (CJD)

  24. Cryptosporidiosis (Crypto)

  25. Cyclosporiasis

  26. Dengue, 1,2,3,4 (Dengue Fever)

  27. Diphtheria

  28. E. coli infection, Shiga toxin-producing (STEC)

  29. Eastern Equine Encephalitis (EEE)

  30. Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever (Ebola)

  31. Ehrlichiosis CDC   FAQ's

  32. Encephalitis, Arboviral or parainfectious CDC

  33. Enterovirus Infection , Non-Polio (Non-Polio Enterovirus) CDC

  34. Enterovirus Infection , D68 (EV-D68)

  35. Giardiasis (Giardia)

  36. Glanders

  37. Gonococcal Infection (Gonorrhea)

  38. Granuloma inguinale

  39. Haemophilus Influenza disease, Type B (Hib or H-flu)

  40. Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome (HPS)

  41. Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome (HUS)

  42. Hepatitis A (Hep A)

  43. Hepatitis B (Hep B)

  44. Hepatitis C (Hep C)

  45. Hepatitis D (Hep D)

  46. Hepatitis E (Hep E)

  47. Herpes

  48. Herpes Zoster, zoster VZV (Shingles)

  49. Histoplasmosis infection (Histoplasmosis)

  50. Human Immunodeficiency Virus/AIDS (HIV/AIDS)

  51. Human Papillomavirus (HPV)

  52. Influenza (Flu)

  53. Legionellosis (Legionnaires Disease)

  54. Leprosy (Hansens Disease)

  55. Leptospirosis

  56. Listeriosis (Listeria)

  57. Lyme Disease

  58. Lymphogranuloma venereum infection

  59. Malaria

  60. Measles

  61. Melioidosis

  62. Meningitis, Viral (Meningitis, viral)

  63. Meningococcal Disease , Bacterial (Meningitis, bacterial) .

  64. Middle East Respiratory Syndrome Coronavirus (MERS-CoV) .

  65. Multisystem Inflammatory Syndrome in Children (MIS-C) .

  66. Mumps.

  67. Norovirus  .

  68. .Pediculosis (Lice, Head and Body Lice)

  69. Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID)

  70. Pertussis (Whooping Cough)

  71. Plague; Bubonic, Septicemic, Pneumonic (Plague

  72. Pneumococcal Disease (Pneumonia)

  73. Poliomyelitis (Polio)

  74. Powassan

  75. Psittacosis (Parrot Fever)

  76. Pthiriasis (Crabs; Pubic Lice Infestation

  77. Pustular Rash diseases (Small pox, monkeypox, cowpox)

  78. Q-Fever

  79. Rabies

  80. Ricin Poisoning

  81. Rickettsiosis (Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever)

  82. Rubella, Including congenital (German Measles)

  83. Salmonellosis gastroenteritis (Salmonella)

  84. Scabies Infestation (Scabies)

  85. Scombroid

  86. Septic Shock (Sepsis)

  87. Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS)

  88. Shigellosis gastroenteritis (Shigella)

  89. Smallpox

  90. Staphyloccal Infection , Methicillin-resistant (MRSA)

  91. Staphylococcal Food Poisoning, Enterotoxin - B Poisoning (Staph Food Poisoning)

  92. Staphylococcal Infection, Vancomycin Intermediate (VISA

  93. Staphylococcal Infection, Vancomycin Resistant (VRSA)

  94. Streptococcal Disease , Group A (invasive) (Strep A (invasve))

  95. Streptococcal Disease, Group B (Strep-B)

  96. Streptococcal Toxic-Shock Syndrome, STSS, Toxic Shock (STSS, TSS)

  97. Syphilis , primary, secondary, early latent, late latent, congenital

  98. Tetanus Infection, tetani (Lock Jaw)

  99. Trichonosis Infection (Trichinosis)

  100. Tuberculosis (TB) CDC

  101. Tuberculosis (Latent) (LTBI)

  102. Tularemia (Rabbit fever)

  103. Typhoid Fever, Group Ds

  104. Typhus

  105. Vaginosis , bacterial (Yeast Infection)

  106. Vaping-Associated Lung Injury (e-Cigarette Associated Lung Injury)

  107. Varicella (Chickenpox)

  108. Vibrio cholerae (Cholera)

  109. Vibriosis (Vibrio)

  110. Viral Hemorrhagic Fever (Ebola, Lassa, Marburg)

  111. West Nile Virus

  112. Yellow Fever

  113. Yersenia (Yersinia)

  114. Zika Virus Infection (Zika)

That's enough diseases for now.