Ye Inquisition Debunketh ye Fake News!

by Steve Cook

The social ill of people insisting on not thinking what they are told to think by politicians and other subversive cults campaigning against the evils of rational thought and thereby threatening politicians and journalists with mental illness is not new. This recently discovered fragment of parchment discovered during the excavation of a mediaeval latrine in Chipping Sodbury shows how the battle against fake news is an ancient one with quite a pedigree.

It is quoted here in full:

Ye fake news hath been debunked!

by Simon de Fibber who writeth veritie thou canst trust (honestlie) in ye Daily Doomsayer

Of late there hath been ye scurrilous and vexatious scaremongering that claimeth ye Earth goeth around ye sun!

Forsooth this be ye FAKE NEWS put about by such mongers of villainie as ye pathetic reprobate Galileo di Vincenzo Bonaiuti de' Galilei, ye Italian astronomer who revelleth in notorietie, not least because of his unholie obsession with ye Devil's accoutrement known as ye telescope which he useth, he claimeth, to spy upon God in His Heavens.

Verily, 'tis all ye evidence one needeth that this doddypol be little more than a fiendish dizzard who hath his black heart set upon ye destruction of ye Christendom we have all come to cherish and which God ordaineth shall endure forevermore and which we will all sadly miss should it ever fail to do the aforesaid enduring

To boot, 'tis known that Galileo and his coven of heretics belong to ye Believers in Conspiracie, which be a front group for Satan himself. This group doth propagate LIES through such evil devices as pamphlets and rational arguments.

The lies include claims, easily debunked by such measures as ye holy removal of tongues, that ye noble traditions and benign strictures of ye Holy Church (such as ye Inquisition, ye burning of ye women with warts and other wise measures devoted to keeping ye faithful safe - especiallie from such things as being tortured or burned alive), be "nought but total shite".

Ye mischievous claims that ye Earth goeth around ye Sun have caught on dangerouslie among ye people who think without permission and other dangerous minorities. This causeth anguish among ye Faithful who prefer the traditional comforts of having the local parish priest tell them what be true.

Yet miraculouslie it be easilie debunked for ye . . . er, debunking appeareth in passages expressed most eloquentlie in many works of authoritie, such as ye New Testament, Ye Old Testament, ye original Greek and ye Latin translations of ye Testaments etcetera.

Of course, ye Testaments be onlie in ancient Greek and Latin whilst ye plebs and riffraff and much of ye nobilitie have barely mastered English, let alone dead languages so all ye ignoramuses of ye flock will just have to take our word for it that it saith what we say it sayeth.

After all, 'tis we experts who understand these Holy Mysteries who are appointed by God to tell you what all ye apparent gibberish really meaneth - a fact proven by ye fact that it saieth so in ye Bible.

So let that be an end to ye conspiracie by ye Believers in Conspiracie to bring down Christendom under ye shitstorm of veritie. Ye fake news be debunked right royallie and forevermore so thoroughlie that we can honestlie state that any doubters in ye matter are Satan's minions. What more evidence doth one need?

Consequentlie, anyone having an opinion at variance with ye Holie Orthodoxie be possessed by demons most conspiratorial and deserveth what be coming his way courtesie of ye Inquisition and ye Witchfinder Pursuivant who as ye well know have only ye wellbeing of thy immortal soul at heart.

And whilst we are on ye subject of ye conspiracie theorist conspiring against righteousness and ye self evident verities, we come to ye matter of ye clodpate Ebenezer Loon ye Druid of Scunthorpe who claimeth against all reason that eating gooseberries be a better remedie for scurvie than ye casting out of demons or leaches in judicious and copious application . . .

[The rest of this parchment is illegible have been irrevocably stained by what appears to be human excrement]