Boris Johnson in dramatic new pledge shock

Tory leader breaks new ground at Dunslistnin

by Steve Cook

Boris Johnson today made a dramatic new pledge as to his very first action if he becomes the UK's new Prime Minister in December.

Speaking to a hushed and incredulous audience at a meeting of the Conservative action group "What's left of the NHS is safe with us, honest" in Dunlistnin, he announced:

"My promise to the people of Britain is that if you elect me your Prime Minister, I will immediately invest in a jar of Brylcreem and a comb and do something about my hair." 
He then went on to demonstrate his latest Tai Chi moves (right) in an effort not to be outdone by Vladimir Putin's black belt in Judo

During a well-earned break from fibbing, I later put it to Mr Johnson that that vital investment of time and effort might be better done sooner rather than later because looking like a Muppet undermines his claim to be the man to manage the country for the next five years when he cannot even manage his own personal grooming.

To this he produced a compelling counter-argument: "No it doesn't." 

He went on to explain, "What you have to understand is that I am really, really busy. I'm up early every morning and spend all day doing politics stuff and shit and I simply do not have time to spend in front of a mirror with a comb, or even buy a comb. All that will change when I am PM."

As Johnson's controversial claims propelled the issue of the candidates' personal grooming to the fore - in what has already come to be known as "Scruffypoliticiangate" - the Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn (pictured left) countered with his own proposal to "raise confidence in NHS dentistry" by getting his teeth fixed.


The Cutter Files: a novel by Steve Cook: Features some attempted probing and quite a lot of running away. Available in paperback and ebook. Find out more now.