More symptoms of COVID19 found!

Millions advised to hide in cupboards

by Steve Cook
Typo City 1/9/20

Researchers are celebrating tonight after having saved the world from not having a threat to worry about by discovering a whole battery of new symptoms for COVID19 in addition to the battery of new symptoms they discovered last week.

This comes as a result of ongoing dedicated research by secret scientists using top secret science nobody can track down due to security reasons, into how to save the lives of pharmaceutical companies, geriatric oligarchs, and other needy criminals who are struggling to cope with not making as much money as they would like.

Recent findings have averted a disaster in the nick of time. The COVID19 pandemic had recently taken a turn for the worse and had to be put on a media ventilator and given infusions of experimental propaganda in order to keep it alive.

From the outset it has been known that the symptoms of COVID19 were a cough and a temperature with many of the worst cases not having any symptoms at all, which was worrying.

The problem with a disease  that strikes people down with no symptoms is that it is very hard to distinguish from not being very ill, so a massive research program was undertaken in order to discover more symptoms that would prove that millions of people were very ill even though they did not feel it.

It also enabled concerned pharmaceutical companies and their government salespersons (Ministers) to compensate for the fact that alarmingly few people had the main symptoms, which is a very disappointing way for a respectable pandemic to behave.

Last week, as you know, a list of symptoms was established in scientific press releases and, following the secret confidential science, the Prime Muppet responded by going on TV and telling everybody they were all going to die and many as soon as a hundred years from now.

Such symptoms included but were not necessarily limited to: 
  • The sniffles
  • The snuffles
  • Iffy Tummy
  • Runny Nose
  • Flu-like symptoms (definitely not the flu)
  • Being over 80
  • Loss of smell, taste and/or common sense
The alarming discovery of these hitherto unsuspected symptoms led to a lot of frightening graphs and toxic pie charts.

Millions of people locked themselves in cupboards pursuant to the latest government guidelines and had their meals delivered by drone.

This of course led to even more COVID-related deaths such as people being killed by malfunctioning drones or suffocating to death in poorly ventilated cupboards.

The number of UK infections and fatalities, naturally spiked (at 100 million and 12 respectively).

This week, however, the news became even more dire with the discovery of the following COVID symptoms:
  • Dandruff
  • Athletes foot
  • Dislodged fillings
  • Loss of appetite after a meal
  • Breathlessness whilst jogging
  • Irritability in key situations such as listening to the Prime Minister or seeing people wear masks whilst paragliding.
A full list of the 1344 symptoms of COVID19 is now available at Con.gov.uk and anyone experiencing any of these or, indeed, Symptom deficit Syndrome is instructed to lock themselves in a cupboard immediately (ideally in the Outer Hebrides), shut all the windows to stop the virus getting in, bandage their face and accept the new microchip soon to be released after the successful conclusion of the crash three-day research program known as Operation Cattle Prod.

Psychiatrists meanwhile have helped the cause of national depression by discovering a new mental illness, PAD, (Propaganda Aversion Disoroder).

One of the symptoms of this disorder is writing sarcastic articles and posting them on the internet.

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