Government efforts to spread disease vindicated.by Steve Cook
Our man in an oxygen tent
The shock news that, whilst the average life span of Britons is 81.5 years, people who die of COVID19 are on average 82.4 years old, has spurred the government to ramp up its efforts to spread the disease.
The government was quick to take credit for its efforts over recent months to get as many people as possible infected so as to prolong the lives of millions of Britons.
"Clearly," said Pandemic Supremo, Matt Bangkok, "people who are catching COVID19 are living a year longer than average, thanks to the efforts of this government and it is in everyone's interest to catch it as soon as possible."
The government has been rebuked, however, by expert rebukers on Twitter and other halls of learning over severe problems with COVID19 not being infectious enough. As one expert, who prefers to remain anonymous for reasons of not wanting to be identified, explained:
"The government keeps promising us that the life-saving bug is highly infectious but this is just PR backed up by fake stats designed to make it look good. But this isn't fooling anyone because the bitter truth is that we all know that it is is quite difficult to catch it. Some people have been trying for months and still haven't managed it!"Bangkok, however, poured scorn on these claims and said in a TV interview,
"I pour scorn on such claims with every ounce of scorn in my body."He then went on to explain how the government's efforts to make sure everyone catches COVID 19 have been largely successful, overcoming seemingly insurmountable barriers such as it not being very infectious.
"We've know from the start that it is very deadly," he explained, "and can kill as many as twelve octogenarians in a single week if they also have pneumonia or gunshot wounds and what we now refer to as the "COVID19 Longevity Anomaly" shows how its deadliness becomes obvious in people, on average, a year older than most other people who have died."
He also promised that,
"having found new and improved ways to ensure the virus spreads despite all the difficulties with its sub-standard infectiousness, we will now seek to ramp up the successful actions we have developed infection-wise."These successful actions include:
* Scaring the crap out of everybody, as fear weakens the immune system as well as disabling the brain's CSL (Common-Sense Lobe). This comes in handy if (2) below fails.
* Depressing everybody, as being depressed also weakens the immune system. This comes in handy if (1) above fails.
* Not telling anybody about Vitamins C and D, nor Zinc as these are now covered by the Official Secrets Act. These nutrients are notorious for boosting the immune system and thus shortening the life-span by denying us the life-prolonging benefits of COVID19 or similar mild flu bugs.
* Ruining people's social and family lives by such measures as solitary confinement and/or convincing young people they will murder their grandparents if they breathe near them. See (1) and (2) above. The feasibility of making hugging a criminal offence is now being studied in a range of press releases.
* Releasing old people from hospital life support, oxygen tents, sterile environments and other non-essential treatments and returning them to rest homes so they can infect everybody.
* Making everybody stay indoors out of any harmful fresh air or sunlight and discouraging life threatening activities such as exercise.
* Making families huddle together indoors so they can more efficiently infect one another.
* Making people wear masks as these boost the body's ability to breathe back in its own virus-laden saliva.
* Making social distancing compulsory and having an uninspiring muppet such as the Prime Minister tell everybody they must do it, "or else", as this inspires people to resist social distancing.