Government announces ban on speaking Welsh to halt the spread of media-borne infection

 by Steve  Cook

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Hysteria, Jane Fibbs, this morning announced to a hushed and cynical press gathering in which dozens of top journalists pretended to listen, the following measures designed to halt the spread of Covid19 infection and other media-borne diseases.

The government will today put in place emergency laws that are actually merely guidelines with the force of law except that they cannot be enforced. These guidelines will from tomorrow morning ban the speaking in public (or private) of languages that involve the use of a lot of phlegm and spitting such as in the Welsh sounds for LL and CH (see pronunciation guide here). Such languages include, for example, Welsh and . . . er, Welsh.

She explained further that Welsh sign language is all right as long as not accompanied by spitting.

Many Welsh place names will be subject to a temporary ban in favour of their English translation, such as the following,

• Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch will henceforth be referred to as, “The Church of St. Mary in the Hollow of the White Hazel Near the Fierce Whirlpool and the Church of Tysilio by the Red Cave”.
• Llanelli will be called “Saint Elli’s”
• Pwllheli must now be referred to as Salt Water Basin.
• Llanfairfechan is now called, ”Little St Mary’s Parish”.

It is believed that as well as saving millions of lives, the changes may in fact help English holidaymakers when asking for directions.

Moreover, some phrases that are particularly harmful when uttered in Welsh will henceforth be declared illegal with stiff fines for anyone caught uttering them.

Outlawed phrases include,

• “A allwch fy helpu, mae’n ymddangos fy mod yn cael trafferth gyda fy llywodraeth.”  (Can you help me? I seem to be having trouble with my government.)
• “Rwy’n credu bod gen i’r diease newydd hwnnw rydw i wedi’i weld yn cael ei hysbysebu.” (I think I’ve got that new disease I’ve seen advertised.)

and

“Os gwelwch yn dda sefyll ymhell yn ôl i bellter diogel, rwy’n dueddol o dagu.” (Please stand well back to a safe distance, I am inclined to stutter.")