Last night's televised political debate re-match - text in full

Plus revealing fact check

by Steve Cook
The general election Day of Doom, after which the nation faces the prospect of another five years of government, looms. As it bears down upon the nation like the Titanic emerging from a thick fog as it steams manically towards another, thicker fog with an iceberg in it, political debate has intensified.

The major parties compete with gathering ferocity to see who will bestride the political landscape like a Colossus and enrich their pals before cocking the whole thing up and blaming factors beyond their power to do anything about, such as the difficulties inherent in trying to govern without absolute power/immigrants/Vladimir Putin/China/not being in the EU/being in the EU etc. Not surprisingly, political debate has become commensurately acrimonious, not to mention puerile.

The Daily Scare is pleased to bring you a full transcript of last night's televised debate, which was held so that the nation can decide who is the bigger plonker, as its title "Choose Your Plonker" suggests. A spokesperson for the BBC explained the controversial decision to televise this new debate:

"Think of it as a re-match. After the first debate, people were still undecided and this is understandable; when presented with two parties unfit to govern, it is a difficult choice trying to decide who is the least fit to govern and then vote for the other lot. We felt it in the public interest for the leaders of the two main parties to go head-to-head again in the hope that a clear winner might emerge."

Many people felt that Boris Johnson just shaved the first debate, despite - or perhaps because of - looking slightly off his face, because he lied and made extravagant promises more convincingly than Corbyn who is not very good at it, albeit he does try hard.

Be all that as it may, we present here a full transcript of the debate so that YOU can decide who, if anybody, is the bigger plonker.

And we have scrupulously and meticulously fact-checked the claims made by both candidates (to whom we refer as BJ and JC for security reasons) and present our findings at the end of the article.

First, the transcript:

BJ: You're stupid!
JC: No, you're stupid!
BJ: No I'm not!
[TV audience: Oh yes you are!]
JC: Well,you're a big fat liar!
BJ: No, you're a liar
JC: Oh no I'm not!
[TV audience: Oh yes you are!]
BJ: Well, you're a danger to Britain!
JC: No, you're , a danger to Britain!
BJ: No, you're a danger to Britain
JC: No I'm not!
[TV audience: Oh yes you are!]
JC: Well anyway, the NHS is not safe in your hands!
BJ: Oh yes it is!
JC: It certainly isn't
BJ: It is!
[TV audience: Oh no it isn't!]

The programme went off the air at this point, reportedly to save on electricity and thus help the planet.

Our fact-checker, having worked through the night examining the claims made by both debaters can reveal that all the above accusations are factual and true.

That's enough facts for now.

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Trip: a novella by Steve Cook. A tale of the psychedelic apocalypse and one man who thinks he's immune. Read it now and disconnect from reality. Available in paperback and ebook. Find out more now.

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