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Hopes soar as new pandemic launched

Top-secret advisors are in unanimous agreement that something horrible is going to happen

by Steve Cook

The failure of COVID19 to live up to its marketing claims left the pharmaceutical industry with dangerously depleted stocks of the scary viruses so essential for the healthy profits that result from robust demands for its vaccines.

Hence, the industry was relieved to start July on a more upbeat note with the launch of  a brand new media-borne epidemic.

According to one government expert, Dr Dennis Goebbels, it could,
"kill millions across the civilised world and America as well if our mathematical models are more accurate than the previous ones."
Jane Fibbs, of the Ministry of National Bankruptcy concurred with Dr Goebbels' scientific and expert assessment, explaining further that,
"We are all crossing our fingers and hoping against hope that millions die as predicted so as to avoid the nightmare scenario of us all winding up yet again looking like complete muppets."
What the virus probably looks like goes viral
The government takes its advice from a committee titled Secret Advisors for the Generation of Emergencies (SAGE) which comprises experts hand-picked to provide mathematical models and doomsday scenarios that justify winding down the economy and auctioning it off to raise funds for charities such as Help the Aged Oligarch and the Gill and Vampira Bates "Cull The Plebs" Foundation.

The committee's 30 top-secret advisors are in unanimous agreement that something horrible is going to happen.

The first strategy in such a situation is to mobilise the media and other humanitarian organisations so as prevent the  complacency of people getting on with their lives without appropriate levels of fear.
This, explained one expert, will help deal with the outbreak's  worst effects by presenting something even more annoying, such as the end of social life as we know it so as to . . . er,  take everybody's mind off it.
The precise advice given to the government by its handlers must, however, remain top secret for top secret reasons.


Yet we can put a name to the new outbreak of horror as it has been isolated and identified in numerous press releases  and other scientific journals.

Called the Deadly Active Foot and Toe (DAFT) disease, it has the following terrifying telltale symptoms.

One or both of the sufferer's feet will manifest one or more of the following:
  • Corns
  • Bunions
  • Blisters
  • Athletes Foot
  • In-growing toenails
It is now known by the WHO that these symptoms are the result of the DAFT virus. The aforementioned British rock band is now well established as an expert in health matters thanks to its providing the theme song ("Who are you?") for the TV series CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) which is all about using science to find out why people died.

A well known philanthropist, Gill Bates, whose possession of lots of money qualifies him as a medical expert, announced yesterday that,
The DAFT virus has been placing everybody in the world in danger. We have not yet managed to actually isolate or photograph it or prove scientifically that it exists. Nevertheless, the fact that we are talking about it as if it exists and images of what it probably looks like have gone ....er, viral on the internet proves that it exists so it is only a matter of time before that proof is backed up by evidence.
Bates has invested billions in chiropody shares and co-owns the Vaccine Chiropody Alliance along with George Soros. The CVA is devoted to a world government run by the world's most capable chiropodists as carefully hand picked by a democratic selection panel of vaccine manufacturers.

Deeply concerned about Foot Health ever since a childhood bout of athletes foot alerted him to the fact that everybody in the whole world is dependent on having feet, Bates is also the main benefactor of the WHO, although the WHO's dependency on his billions of dollars in annual donations loses that organisation none of its independence of scientific analysis and policy-making so long as it follows the humanitarian advice given to it by the GVBF (the Gill and Vampira Bates Foundation).

It was the WHO that originally alerted the world to the lethal peril it is in because of the DAFT virus. The alarm was sounded after pathologists started looking for symptoms in the recently deceased to see if they could be profitably linked to death in any way.

It was soon discovered that all across the world as much as a third of all deceased were suffering from one or more of the DAFT symptoms (see above) when they died.

A recent study revealed the shocking and terrifying fact that of 10,000 corpses studied, a thousand had corns, 500 had bunions, a further 1500 had one (or more) ingrowing toenails and a further two thousand had athletes foot.

A WHO, spokesperson, speaking at a recent press conference, told a hitherto foolishly unconcerned but now sensibly hysterical world that,
Extrapolating those figures, we can gleefully announce that as many as a bazillion or a bazillion-and-a-half people the world over have the virus already and most of  them will die with it some time over the next eighty years or even sooner.
In Britain, the government has been quick to seize the opportunity to believe everything it is told and also to start keeping stats on DAFT-related deaths.

On  Monday 900 people died with DAFT and although they all had other deadly ailments such as knife wounds, missing heads, road traffic injuries, combine harvester injuries and so forth, their deaths can be accurately attributed to DAFT.

On Tuesday, the figure was 1200 when a new factor was taken into account: people who had not yet been examined for DAFT symptoms but probably had them anyway and the probability was noted on the death certificate. It is well know that if it is mentioned anywhere on the death certificate for any reason whatsoever, it is included in the DAFT stats.

This proves that the world is in the grip of a deadly pandemic that can hopefully kill trillions of victims and the government, following top secret scientific advice from some top secret scientists, has been quick to initiate stringent precautions that will eventually nip the disease in the bud.
Known as Operation Stable Door, the measures include,
  • replacing democracy with a more immune system such as dictatorship.
  • suspending human rights,  social activity and economic activity as these are known to weaken the immune system
  • introducing queuing for non-essential items such as food, a social practice once developed into an art form in Communist Russia
  • forcing everyone, on pain of stiff fines for non-compliance, to keep their socks on at all times. This includes during sex with the added advantage that this is known to be a highly effective method of birth control.
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The Cutter Files: a novel by Steve Cook. Features some attempted probing and quite a lot of running away. Available in paperback and ebook. Find out more now.

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