Police thank Health Secretary for putting more work their way


by Steve Cook

News just in:
The police were today reported to be delighted by the Health Secretary’s advice to shoppers to call the police if any customer refuses to wear a mask.
It is generally agreed by the Health Secretary and other psychological warfare enthusiasts that “following the science” and wearing a mask is highly desirable in the effort to achieve herd mentality.
Matt Hancock yesterday
 - being treated after his brain
exploded under the pressure
of too many brilliant ideas.
When asked what science he was following, he explained that it was the science that backed up the decision to wear masks and that medical experts, doctors, scientists and other conspiracy theorists who contended otherwise, though in the majority, were at variance with the scientific consensus among the government’s experts (Dr John Strangelove and Professor Cabal of the Ministry of Truth).
A spokesperson for the Police Federation, Tom Miffed of Long Sufferin in Berkshire, issued a statement this morning in support of the Health Secretary that said,
We would like to thank the government for so thoughtfully putting more work our way. We are delighted by the Health Secretary’s thoughtful advice in that is solves a long-standing problem of us not having enough to do.
The police have always been keen to have their officers rushing hither and thither attending even the most innocuous incidents or refereeing arguments between people who are, of course, sensibly discouraged from ever sorting out their own  problems.
Mr Miffed went on to say that,
The government have already done so much to help protect our officers from the curse of  boredom – which can all too often become fatal – with imaginative measures such as reducing manpower whilst introducing unemployment, desperation and other innovations that helpfully  increase crime but this extra shove in the right direction is nevertheless appreciated.
Boredom as you know has long been a problem for the police with not enough going on and officers sitting around with nothing to do. We are therefore grateful to have this opportunity to start arresting members of the public the government has so imaginatively criminalised.
Our officers, squad cars and other under-used resources stand poised to scramble at a moment’s notice to descend upon every corner shop, florist, tobacconist and so on where a member of the public has got the hump at being forced to wear a bandage across his face.
The police have even gone so far as to propose other ways the government can make their lives more enjoyable by encouraging the public to dial 999 in emergencies such as a member of the public:
  • Shouting at his television
  • Opening a window and letting in the virus
  • Not sanitising his lawn mower (or lawn)
  • Leaving his house without government permission
  • Referring to the Health Secretary as a “complete twat”.

The Cutter Files: a novel by Steve Cook. Features some attempted probing and quite a lot of running away. Available in paperback and ebook. Find out more now.