Government clarifies how it is saving the NHS


by Steve Cook

The Health Minister today, in one of his regular televised briefings known as Hancock's
Half Hour, explained to the nation in hard-hitting abstruse terms how the government plans to probably save the NHS, God willing.

The clarification was prompted by the fact that during the Coronavirus "statistical anomaly"crisis in which a media-borne virus infected the government's brain and caused it to destroy the country for its own good, many citizens and other conspiracy theorists have noticed how the NHS is working a 60% capacity with many medical staff left with nothing to do except make life-saving Tik Tok videos and publish them on YouTube.


While this doubtless helped YouTube a great deal in so far as it enabled them to fill the void left by taking down bazillions of videos made by scientists and other trouble makers who tried to encourage people to have thoughts. Nevertheless, it considerably displeased the government which has known for a long time that encouraging anybody except rich people to have thoughts is a recipe for disaster that can considerably dent Health and Safety efforts to stop people moving away from the safety of their TV sets or engaging in dangerous conversations.

The Tik Tok miscreants were duly censured by the government recently for cheering lots of people up without permission, contrary to government guidelines for enhancing the mental health of the drugs industry or assisting worthy causes such as Help an Aged Oligarch. 

The Health Minister explained at the time that it is not the place of doctors and nurses to make anyone chirpy. "Being chirpy," he said "is not what this country is all about, at least not if I have anything to do with it."

A lot of people thought that the quietness of the NHS was a trifle odd considering the nation is reeling from a virus that threatens to do what no virus has done before and kill everybody by being not very infectious - nor deadly in most cases. 

So the Health Minister has stepped in with an explanation he hopes will put his mind at rest as to how the government has laid down revolutionary new plans for saving the NHS. 

Unflinching in the face of sinister obstacles such as nobody believing a word that comes out of his mouth, he told the nation today that,
"When we said 'Save the NHS', we meant every word of what we were saying and this is an historical first. But let me be clear that I cannot give you the full details of our plans yet for security reasons but, trust me, you'll know everything in the fullness of time and by "the fullness of time" I mean by the time it is too late.
But to summarise briefly, scientists have shown - and we always follow the science especially when it is wrong - that the best way to save the NHS is to shut it down and store it safely in a cupboard so as to stop it wearing out.
After all, just think of all the money we will save on medicines, staff and equipment or by reducing wear and tear on ambulances and operating theatres or by economising on vital operations and other frivolities such as midwifery or trying to keep old people alive when they are costing us a packet in resources, not to mention pensions. 
Thus the NHS can be brought out when it is really needed, such as a time when we actually have a real epidemic or someone with lots of money wants to buy it."

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