New masks may become compulsory as government loses futile struggle not to kill anybodyby Steve Cook
Typo City 18/9/20
The world was rendered comatose by shock earlier today when the fear pandemic took another terrifying turn and headed (in the words of one Prime Minister shortly before his detention under the Mental Health Act) "right up shit creek and onto Armaggeddon Plaza"
The horrifying news was delivered by the-newly dubbed "Reichschancellor for Public Hygiene" Matt Bangkok during this morning's televised Orders of the Day briefing to the nation.
It was deemed a timely intervention because it came at at the very point where the CONVID19 Pandemic was waning and dangerously failing to kill anybody, despite government help, due to a loss of public confidence in the virus' ability to inflict mayhem.
Mr Bangkok told a nation run dangerously low on stocks of things to be terrified about that secret scientists working secretly at secret locations for secret reasons have discovered that the CONVID19 virus has a hitherto undiscovered method of transmission.
Discovery of the hitherto unknown way the virus spreads has prompted mathematician Neil Fergettuson to work more of his legendary mathematical equations, which whilst being too brainy for anyone to understand, are known to be accurate to within a narrow yet acceptable margin of plus or minus forty thousand percent.
His sums have enabled him to predict without fear of contradiction that, "hopefully, a hundred million people in the UK alone could die by Tuesday lunch time unless the government throws common sense to the winds and takes immediate steps to introduce a dictatorship."
Fergettuson is widely held to be a genius like Stephen Hawking because no-one can understand what he is talking about. The new emergency measures, code named "Operation Straw Clutch" will also include steps to :
- Cull the elderly to save on pensions
- Cancel all cancer and heart operations and give patients a nice cup of tea instead so as to save wear and tear on all twelve hospital staff.
- Stop producing anything so that China can take over the world's economy.
The government has therefore decided, based on three minutes of painstakingly scientific press releases to:
- introduce a ban on brussels sprouts
- fine anyone eating curry £10 000
- extend social distancing to 100 metres
- require the wearing of the new, state-of-the-art-and-not-at-all-degrading Anal Protective Equipment (APE) or "bum masks" at all times.
The nation was claimed, by the Prime Muppet, to be rejoicing at the news, although it is believed the PM may have been misheard through his face mask and had actually said "the nation is revolting". The setting light to a COVID Marshal by an angry mob of no more than 6 rioters in Leamington Spa yesterday suggests the latter is more likely.
Further rioting was reported across the country although government restrictions on public gatherings and news that the virus picks on protesters for no apparent reason have drastically changed the style of rioting as this clip of a COVID riot on Manchester shows.Finally, here are some cool, tasteful designs for the new masks that will help the wearer not look like a complete twat.
COVID19 wins coveted award! Scoops top honours including "Most Brilliant Disease of the Decade"
More symptoms of COVID19 found! Millions advised to hide in cupboards
Deadly bath pandemic shocks nation in gullibility outbreak Millions at risk from hygiene, say experts
PM scoops top honours! Accolade richly deserved after brilliantly bringing Britain to her knees