Government to ban beer and other greenhouse beverages to save the planet

 by Steve Cook

Experts have discovered that efforts to save the environment from the weather and other threats have not gone far enough in so far as the air still has carbon dioxide in it and people have been inexplicably reluctant to adopt the highly recommended Stone Age lifestyle that rejects the evils of civilization in favour of lives that are less harmful to the planet by virtue of being much shorter.
Genius methods of reducing carbon dioxide emissions such as making bovine flatulence illegal, making it mandatory for every citizen to hold their breath several times a day and scrapping frivolous luxuries such as the economy have shocked scientists the world over by failing to produce the hoped-for result of reducing CO2 levels below that necessary to sustain plant life.
And so the climate keeps happening despite being told not to by Klaus Schwabb, Al Gore, the Mainstream Media and other wise and completely benign sources with absolutely no hidden agenda whatsoever - the latter fact proven beyond dispute by government edicts forbidding anyone to say otherwise.
But the government and its parent organisation - the international charity SAAO (Save An Aged Oligarch) - have left no common-sense unturned in their effort to phase out carbon dioxide and thus save the planet if not the actual people living on it.
Top secret scientific research that cannot be revealed for top secret reasons has revealed that the process known as fermentation, used in the production of beers and similar beverages produces effervescence which, it has been discovered, is due to the release of the terrifying planet-killing gas, carbon dioxide.
The amount of carbon dioxide produced daily by fizzy beverages has been shown to far exceed that produced by automobiles, flatulence or people breathing out and this makes beer a Greenhouse Beverage that could turn the entire planet into a giant sauna!!!!!
But further research has revealed that fizzy drinks, including sparkling spring water, are also Greenhouse Beverages that release equally terrifying amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and these and beer are responsible for the unprecedented warm weather that afflicted large swathes of the planet this summer with temperatures described  by experts as "often as high as normal" and believed to have been warm enough to defrost frozen chickens or melt the brains of politicians.
Therefore the government, unswervingly devoted as it is to environmentally friendly economic-suicide-by-carbon-neutral, is preparing new legislation that will make the production and consumption of beer, sparkling drinks and similar threats to democracy illegal.
Politicians are reported to be confident that the ban on beer will result in the planet not spontaneously combusting any more than usual and a world free of the evils of beer will bring the nation cause for much rejoicing.

The situation is now believed to be so dire that the Secretary General of the UN, having declared Global Boiling just before the cold weather set in, has now declared Global Effervescing, which he has dubbed with statesmanlike gravitas, "even more terrifying than the boiling thing."

Meanwhile, in the UK members of the SAAO-sponsored environmental activist group "Just Stop Beer" have held sit-ins across pub doorways and glued themselves to pub landlords. The police have the situation under control, however, and are keeping them supplied with sandwiches.