Scientists Discover Worst Epidemic in the History of the Universe

Big Pharma welcomes new swathe of carnage

by Steve Cook

Just as world has at last finished reeling from the Bird Flu and Swine Flu epidemics that swept a swathe of carnage across the entire planet and almost killed dozens of people the world over, a new even more deadly flu has been scientifically discovered.

This new reason to be depressed has been unveiled thanks to the dedicated work of top level researchers in the field of sales, marketing and other humanitarian organisations.

Known as pandemics, Bird and Swine flu were widely believed to be worse than epidemics because they have the word “pan” in them and are named after animals.

Man-U-Like Agency provides the Full Fantasy Husband Experience

NOTE: This post was originally deleted by Blogger because it "violates community guidelines".  But it is clearly a SATIRICAL SPOOF, as will be clear to anyone who actually READS the article. Whilst I admire and support Blogger's efforts to keep salacious content off the platform and DO NOT DO SALACIOUS ARTICLES MYSELF I would ask that Blogger READ my article before deciding it violates their guidelines, which it clearly and self-evidently doesn't.

by Steve Cook FQH*

The escort agency - in which men pay women to be seen with them and pretend they like them - has become something of a boom industry of late.

The boom has occurred as more and more men have discovered that it is easier to pay in cash for women to be nice to them than by the traditional barter system of doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, remembering anniversaries and wearing fresh socks occasionally.

Hypochondrapocalypse: Rise of the Almost Dead

This Week’s Film Review by Steve Cook

Armageddon Entertainment presents a harrowing portrait of an apocalyptic future in which the human race succumbs to a mysterious epidemic of uncertain provenance that threatens to cause humanity to worry itself into early extinction.

Will Homo Sapiens become the first terrestrial species to die out without having anything particularly wrong with it? Check out the movie to find out.

Government to put army of Psychic Marshals on the streets

Clairvoyant "vibe sensing" to replace less accurate PCR test.

by Steve Cook

In a new twist in the hunt for the pandemic that is believed to be lurking undetected somewhere in Britain in open defiance of government statistics, it was announced today that, "ten thousand psychics" will be hired to help in what has become known as the "War on Common Sense".

This latest move comes in the wake of a discovery made as recently as last February that the PCR test is - in the words of one expert - "totally shite" at detecting whether a person has COVID19.

Government declares Athlete's Foot a national emergency as deadly pandemic spreads

Compulsory Vaccination urged by PPP (Politicians for Pharmaceutical Profits)

by Steve Cook

The deadly athletes foot pandemic (which starts with “pan” instead of “epi” and is thus much more scary) that has cut a swathe of carnage throughout the civilised world (Iceland) and America may already have claimed a billion lives and looks set to claim a bazillion more according to recent discoveries by scientists.

From the director who lost his angst: the man who lost his sandwich

An exclusive report on revolutionary film maker, Salazaar Bim

by Steve Cook

Bulgarian director Salazaar Bim has long been renowned for feature-length films in the popular CD (Completely Depressing) genre.

His works depict various visions of a dystopian future in which just about everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong and has become something nobody in their right mind would want to live in. 

They attract huge audiences, which he artfully and creatively divests of any last grains of optimism whatsoever and, indeed, the will to live - as well as boosting the sale of antidepressants. This has made him an immensely popular artist among directors and shareholders of the pharmaceutical industry.

The Wikidleaks: Horror a Whistle-Blower's Tale

A short story by Steve Cook

Once upon a time the world was ruled by wise men who knew what was best for everyone, although in those far-off days “wise” meant “owning big shiny rockets” and what was best for everyone was generally considered to be what was good for really rich people. 

One is not after all entitled to Good Things unless one is in a position to pay for them and Good Things just happened to be so expensive that only really rich people could afford them. Those who were less than really rich had to settle for more modest and pragmatic aspirations such as being regularly shafted and donating their children to the latest war effort, which is only fair when you think about it.

People with COVID19 are living longer boasts pandemic supremo

Government efforts to spread disease vindicated.

by Steve Cook
Our man in an oxygen tent

The shock news that, whilst the average life span of Britons is 81.5 years, people who die of COVID19 are on average 82.4 years old, has spurred the government to ramp up its efforts to spread the disease.

The government was quick to take credit for its efforts over recent months to get as many people as possible infected so as to prolong the lives of millions of Britons.